what can i say?

so here we are. waiting again.

after doing a lot of research online, i'm becomming more aware of how dismal our situation is. i will likely enter menopause in the next 5 years. wow. that's a crushing blow. the baby we lost may be the only baby we'll ever have. our insurance, which looked extrodinary when we first started now seems like it will never be enough. only 3 egg retrievals? only 2 ivfs after a live birth. it's hard to think about. it's hard to go from timing sex and hoping for the best to hearing that our only option is agressive treatment, like, yesterday.

and i'm angry. i'm angry that i let so many doctors bully me about my weight and tell me that the only thing holding me back is that i'm overweight. thank goddess we got this test done. thank goddess we didn't take time off to get healthy and lose weight. in 6 months i might not even be a candidate for ivf. plus my hypothyrodism is so bad it explains a lot of things i've been attributing to depression: i gained 10 pounds in a month but i can't remember eating anything, i have no appetite. my hair is falling out, i'm tired all the time, my hands and feet are always cold and my brain is just in a fog. i look at my old blog and see how i used to write with such clarity and precision and now it's so hard to sit here and try and organize my thoughts. i thought i was just depressed, that it was affecting my ability to focus, but no. my TSH is just way up and it's making my body all screwy.

we are trying very hard to not get ahead of ourselves here. we have to wait for our appointment with the wizard of oz, i mean dr. morris. and we have to wait for more test results. we have to wait. and wait. and wait. it's terrifying. it's mind numbing.

i have to consider things i never even realized were on the table: egg donation? freezing my embryos? injectibles?

i don't even know where to begin.

so after the bad news on tuesday i looked up a support group on the RESOLVE website and found a group that was meeting in a suburb not too far from us the very next day. i emailed the group and asked if it was still going on and if i could bring my husband and she said absolutely, we'd love to have you. it was the best decision i could have made. i felt my stomach unclenching for the first time is weeks. i cannot recommend it enough if you've been in the muck of infertility for a while. some people had diagnoses way worse than ours, some people had ones that were better. but it was nice to talk about it and know that the feelings are normal. i think hubs was especially comforted by the whole process. one woman heard my story and my bad AFC and quickly assured me, "you'll be fine. you'll get your baby, you have time on your side." and that was reassuring.

so i'm feeling a little better today than i was yesterday. my plan for the next few weeks is to take the tests and STAY BUSY. i'm going to a bunch of classes at my gym, hubs and i are going to do a massive cleaning of our apartment. i'm just going to stay as busy as possible. that's all i can do.