hormonster

i am so hormonal. i know that. i am on edge and weepy and sensitive. i understand that the whine i about to write on here will be illogical and sappy and ridiculous, but i need to get it out (and have a good cry while i'm doing it).

i had to email my inlaws todays and tell them we are not going to make it to the family trip in FL. it was difficult for two reasons: 1- we planned this trip when i was 6 weeks pregnant and thought it would make a nice "babymoon." a chance to love up our niece and nephew and walk on the beach and be the childless relations for the last time. now that i'm not pregnant, it will be a little excruciating to be around our young niece and nephew and have to sleep on bunkbeds because it's not like we deserve to be comfortable, we don't even have kids. 2 - canceling the trip for the IUI means that if the IUI fails we cancelled the trip for nothing. and that will suck.

hubs and i have been going back and forth about canceling the trip. my MIL has been emailing me all week about it. i feel like i am under an enormous amount of pressure. add to that the fact that i'm PMSing big time and along with that comes the collossal feeling of failure, dread, and anxiety about the upcoming IUI etc.

i POAS last night to be sure and decided i would have to send the email today saying that we couldn't go. all week hubs and i have been saying things like, "too bad we can't go" and "we're bummed but excited to start ART" etc etc so i thought we were on the same page about cancelling.

so this morning i drafted a lighthearted letter saying that we're sorry we won't be able to make it, kissey kissey love you guys have a blast and so on and so on... i sent it to my husband first and had him approve it. he responded, "that's perfect." so i sent it out.

then at lunch he calls me and we start talking about it. i ask him if it was really ok, and nobody has replied to it yet and does that mean anything. then he says, "i didn't want to be nit-picky, but it was a little weird when you said 'pour out a G&T for your homies'..."

and i said, "could you have told me that before i sent it?" and it made me kind of irritated.

then he starts saying "maybe we should just take this cycle off and go anyway... we might get lucky, lots of people say they conceived on vacation."

OMFG. seriously?

i tried to stay in control. "well dear, what about all the vacations we've had in the last 2 years? all the times we booked a fancy hotel room when i was ovulating? and how the fuck are we supposed to make a 'vacation baby' sleeping in bunkbeds while staying at a very tiny beach house with your family and no privacy?"

the he said "i don't know, i just thought we hadn't decided anything and i'm bummed that you just decided today we're not going."

then i lost all semblence of control. and, i'm embarrassed to admit this, started crying uncontrollably.
"you think i didn't want to go too? you think i don't feel bad about this? you really have to dig it in a little deeper, right? 'cause it's my old fucked up body that's fucking up all our plans. as if i don't feel guilty enough right?"

i really feel like the argument would have ended there if he had showed even the slightest hint of sensitivity, but instead he got angry back and started saying things like, "i didn't fucking say anything like that!" and the worst: "you're over-reacting!"

so then just to build my poor-me facade a little higher i started in with all the: "i'm fucking terrified to do this too! and i feel fucking awful enough that my body kills all our babies and can't fucking make us a child!" and then the kicker, "do you always have to respond to every single show of emotion with anger and defensiveness? would it kill you to show a little sensitivity?!"

he tried to do a turn around and even begrudgingly apologized, but i was already too emotional and we hung up on kind of a bad note.

the thing is, i know i'm being resentful. i hate the fact that none of this seems to really touch him. every single time i get my period now i'm a total basketcase. i hate it. not only has it become a collossal bloodbath in the months since the miscarriage (which reminds me of the miscarriage and makes me even more depressed) but the sense of failure i feel every times it comes is so big i can hardly stand it. i feel like he's basically over the miscarriage and i still know exactly how many weeks i'd be, what i'd be doing etc etc. he feels like "of course the IUI will be successful and if it isn't we'll just do another one" and has no idea the degree of dread i feel knowing that i'll have to give myself shots, actual shots, and then face a staggering TWO WEEKS before i'll even find out if it worked.

to be honest, i know he thinks i'm becomming bitter and moody and i bet he wonders where the fun 22 year old he married went. i'm wondering the same thing... who is this woman i'm becomming? what is happening to this marriage? what are we going to do when/if all of these treatments work out and we actually have to face becomming parents together? i have to keep reminding myself that pregnancy is not the goal, parenthood is.

and what happens when we get there? two old, bitter, jaded, and guarded people who have to figure out who they are all over again? what happens then?