Monday, January 31, 2011

cd 1

I may not have a baby, but at least I have TWO amazing cupcakes from Molly's cupcakes.

Bring on the IUI. I am trying to pack the shit out of this cycle so that I have very little time to obsess. We are going to drive to KY the weekend after the iui (Feb 18-21) to visit family. Plus we bought a 3 hour raw vegan foods cooking class for Feb 21st (aka 7dpo) plus we're working on buying theatre tickets for that week too. Plus I have acupuncture, yoga, and centergy. Plus I have 3 girlfriends on standby for a "date night"

Also, today I booked a massage with the gift certificate my mom got me so I'll be nice and relaxed to start treatment. Oh! And we have a Resolve support group meeting on Wednesday and that will help a lot too.

Sheesh! I know it sounds like a lot, but I'm determined to avoid the 'ol "start testing at 7dpo and obsessing every waking moment" crap that happens every month. I need to stay busy and stay happy and fulfilled!

Wish me luck...

Friday, January 28, 2011


i am so hormonal. i know that. i am on edge and weepy and sensitive. i understand that the whine i about to write on here will be illogical and sappy and ridiculous, but i need to get it out (and have a good cry while i'm doing it).

i had to email my inlaws todays and tell them we are not going to make it to the family trip in FL. it was difficult for two reasons: 1- we planned this trip when i was 6 weeks pregnant and thought it would make a nice "babymoon." a chance to love up our niece and nephew and walk on the beach and be the childless relations for the last time. now that i'm not pregnant, it will be a little excruciating to be around our young niece and nephew and have to sleep on bunkbeds because it's not like we deserve to be comfortable, we don't even have kids. 2 - canceling the trip for the IUI means that if the IUI fails we cancelled the trip for nothing. and that will suck.

hubs and i have been going back and forth about canceling the trip. my MIL has been emailing me all week about it. i feel like i am under an enormous amount of pressure. add to that the fact that i'm PMSing big time and along with that comes the collossal feeling of failure, dread, and anxiety about the upcoming IUI etc.

i POAS last night to be sure and decided i would have to send the email today saying that we couldn't go. all week hubs and i have been saying things like, "too bad we can't go" and "we're bummed but excited to start ART" etc etc so i thought we were on the same page about cancelling.

so this morning i drafted a lighthearted letter saying that we're sorry we won't be able to make it, kissey kissey love you guys have a blast and so on and so on... i sent it to my husband first and had him approve it. he responded, "that's perfect." so i sent it out.

then at lunch he calls me and we start talking about it. i ask him if it was really ok, and nobody has replied to it yet and does that mean anything. then he says, "i didn't want to be nit-picky, but it was a little weird when you said 'pour out a G&T for your homies'..."

and i said, "could you have told me that before i sent it?" and it made me kind of irritated.

then he starts saying "maybe we should just take this cycle off and go anyway... we might get lucky, lots of people say they conceived on vacation."

OMFG. seriously?

i tried to stay in control. "well dear, what about all the vacations we've had in the last 2 years? all the times we booked a fancy hotel room when i was ovulating? and how the fuck are we supposed to make a 'vacation baby' sleeping in bunkbeds while staying at a very tiny beach house with your family and no privacy?"

the he said "i don't know, i just thought we hadn't decided anything and i'm bummed that you just decided today we're not going."

then i lost all semblence of control. and, i'm embarrassed to admit this, started crying uncontrollably.
"you think i didn't want to go too? you think i don't feel bad about this? you really have to dig it in a little deeper, right? 'cause it's my old fucked up body that's fucking up all our plans. as if i don't feel guilty enough right?"

i really feel like the argument would have ended there if he had showed even the slightest hint of sensitivity, but instead he got angry back and started saying things like, "i didn't fucking say anything like that!" and the worst: "you're over-reacting!"

so then just to build my poor-me facade a little higher i started in with all the: "i'm fucking terrified to do this too! and i feel fucking awful enough that my body kills all our babies and can't fucking make us a child!" and then the kicker, "do you always have to respond to every single show of emotion with anger and defensiveness? would it kill you to show a little sensitivity?!"

he tried to do a turn around and even begrudgingly apologized, but i was already too emotional and we hung up on kind of a bad note.

the thing is, i know i'm being resentful. i hate the fact that none of this seems to really touch him. every single time i get my period now i'm a total basketcase. i hate it. not only has it become a collossal bloodbath in the months since the miscarriage (which reminds me of the miscarriage and makes me even more depressed) but the sense of failure i feel every times it comes is so big i can hardly stand it. i feel like he's basically over the miscarriage and i still know exactly how many weeks i'd be, what i'd be doing etc etc. he feels like "of course the IUI will be successful and if it isn't we'll just do another one" and has no idea the degree of dread i feel knowing that i'll have to give myself shots, actual shots, and then face a staggering TWO WEEKS before i'll even find out if it worked.

to be honest, i know he thinks i'm becomming bitter and moody and i bet he wonders where the fun 22 year old he married went. i'm wondering the same thing... who is this woman i'm becomming? what is happening to this marriage? what are we going to do when/if all of these treatments work out and we actually have to face becomming parents together? i have to keep reminding myself that pregnancy is not the goal, parenthood is.

and what happens when we get there? two old, bitter, jaded, and guarded people who have to figure out who they are all over again? what happens then?

Thursday, January 27, 2011

my horoscope (im a sucker, i know)

Capricorn Jan 27 2011
Something is going right in your life. It may seem like the choices you make are blessed. And the opportunities that all but materialize on your doorstep are magical. Don't invoke that usual Capricorn sense of disbelief and doom and gloom and allow yourself to get skeptical. Just because some excellent things are happening in your life does not mean that something is going to go wrong. Don't question the small miracles and wonderful happenings that are occurring now. Just believe and enjoy, and you will fully reap the rewards of this amazing phase.
Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope.

ETA: 1/29/11 why oh why do you give such conflicting information daily horoscope?!?!? I HATE YOU!

Capricorn Jan 29 2011
If you were a runner and you were training for a marathon, you would go longer and longer distances until you finally got to the level of fitness and the mastered the number of miles required. Likewise, the more you ran, the more time you would take to cool down and rest. You have been through something fairly grueling lately. This probably was not a physical exertion, but was more likely an emotionally or spiritually difficult experience. Don't jump into anything similar too soon. You need some breathing room.
Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope.

looking forward

ok, i'm feeling much better. it sucks when my blog entry from the day before is so pitiful that i'm tempted to delete it. i guess it's good to leave it for posterity, this isn't all sunshine and roses.

i think it's bad thing that this cycle isn't over and i'm already psyched for my next cycle. i'm trying to not get the buildup going because when you start ART the let down is bad enough without all the amped up feelings of "yes! everything's perfect!" I got the phone call from my insurance who uses their own pharmacy for infertility meds (get this, the name is winfertility. i kid you not. win-infertility? win-fertility? how did they come up with that, it's pitiful) and the total for 20 PIO injections (a precaution my dr. ordered), 16 Endometrum suppositories (again, a progesterone precaution, please if there's any sort of god do NOT make me use the PIO) and 2 hCG trigger shots is, get this, $15. Amazeballs! i told hubs today, "i don't care if you have to start having sex with your boss (a huge south african man) we cannot lose this insurance." thank goddess for small bits of good news, right?

so, if i get my AF right on schedule this month then i should O right on valentines day. how romantic. one day we'll be able to tell our little precious about the day that daddy crouched in a dark room watching porn and jizzing in a cup while mommy waited anxiously with her legs in stirrups and a hose through her vag. siiiiggghhh, l'amore.

also, our due date would be 11/11/11. neato huh?

i know, i need to stop all this planning. it's just an IUI, it's not a guarantee.

can you tell i've been thinking way too much about this? last night i had this amazing dream (i know, boooring) that i was watching this concert at the beach. a old man who looked like james earl jones was playing a ukulele on the shore and behind him was this huge ocean and the most amazing full moon. i'm still trying to look up what it means. i'm going to take it as a good omen though. especially because we were watching from this sort of pier that jutted out and at first i was freaking out about falling over the edge and then when i looked over the side i saw it wasn't a bad fall, maybe 10 or 12 ft and then i felt so much better. it really was a great dream.

seems like all my dreams are related to fertility. every time i look anything up it's always a fertility symbol. the other night i dreamed about two fishtanks, one had this huge gross eels and the other had these cute little guppies... don't need an interpretator to tell me it's phallic and spermy...

also, one last thing, i think i'm going to delete my facebook this weekend. i'm tired of having this faux support network. i don't really have 300 friends, i have a few that i talk to on the phone regularly and don't need facebook to communicate with. it freaks me out to have these "friends" who know nothing about my life or what we're going through and it's starting to make me feel like i have a split personality, constantly posting all these bright and chipper updates. i'm not bright and chipper right now, i'm miserable, surly and boring... we'll see how that goes.

today's my five year anniversary of my first date with my husband. he's amazing!
here's a pic of us on our wedding day:

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

rough day

I am having a really bad day.

I woke up and POAS with high hopes that we'd be rescued from ART, IUIs, and REs with the tenuous show of a second line. But it was not to be. I know it's still early, i know we may still pull it off, but i also know it isn't going to happen. and i'm devastated.

I'm staring down the barrel of infertility treatments and i'm terrified. i don't know how to handle this.

I scared that I'll never get pregnant again, that we lost our one chance at being parents, and i keep playing and replaying those 11 weeks over and over in mind. was it the exercise? the sex? the bologna cravings? what was it? there has to be an answer. there must have been something i did or didn't do. i'm tired of hearing that it was just a fluke. i know something went wrong. and i just want to rewind and go back. i feel like if i had another chance i would do it right.

i don't feel like myself. ttc consumes me and i know that isn't healthy. all i can think about is getting pregnant again. i feel isolated and boring. i don't even recognize myself anymore.

the worst part is all the progesterone symptoms stacked up on top of each other: nausea, swollen boobs, backache. they should give me some hope, some feeling like a bfp is right around the corner, but i know that isn't the case. i know i can't trust my body anymore and i know that i can no longer trust how i feel. science and emotions don't mix.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

so much depends...

So many big things depend on such small things. Today i feel like im stacking dominoes, like so much is hinged on so little...

The Red Wheelbarrow by William Carlos Williams

so much depends

a red wheel

glazed with rain

beside the white

RE appt and some wishful thinking...

So we had our appointment with the RE yesterday. It went OK. We got there 15 minutes before our appointment and ended up waiting over an hour to see him, which was frustrating. Then he told me that he doesn't think my thyroid is an issue, it was just a peak in a natural flux of rising and falling. Then he said that my fsh and amh were normal and my poor AFC count was probably just a fluke. The frustrating thing for me is that when they called to tell me my follicle count was so low and they wanted to do more tests to determine ovarian reserve I specifically asked if there could be a mistake, I am a heavy girl and the tech kept saying that it was difficult to see my ovary because I had a full bowel. So I mentioned that when they called and they kept saying it wasn't a mistake. Now Dr.morris is saying they couldn't get a good picture because of my size and the low follicle count was probably just due to poor visualization. So frustrating!

Anyway they he told us that he wanted to start us off by doing unmedicated IUI for 3 cycles (maybe use an hcg trigger if the egg doesn't seem to be popping and then use progesterone in oil injections during my LP. I'm just kind of irritated about the while thing. He acts like we're rushing into this, like we have no idea what we're doing. We've been trying for more than 2 years and we've experienced losses. We're veterans at ttc. He kept making references to how young I am and I just feel like he's not taking us seriously.

Anyway, hubs and I are disappointed but we're willing to give it a shot.

On Sunday night (about 8dpo) I had this weird orange cm, so maybe I won't end up needing any of this afterall and ill find out I'm preggers in a few days. Wishful thinking, I know.

Sunday, January 23, 2011


I am so nervous about the appointment with my RE tomorrow. please let the protocol be easy, please let us get lucky without having to get ivf. and please please please don't tell me i have premature ovarian failure and the bad follicle count was just a fluke. someone told me it was impossible to have an AFC of 5 and an AHM of 2.5 because your amh has to be 10% of your antral follicle count. please let that be true.

Friday, January 21, 2011

m/c chart

yesterday when i got home from work there was fat envelope in the mail from my RE's office. i opened it thinking it would be med protocol or a pharmacy list or something. turns out they shipped me my entire chart. "we've scanned your records into our system and thought you'd appreciate having access to your own chart."

ok, fine. great even. most of that stuff i hadn't even seen before. then i started looking through it. all the compiled records from my Ob, my gyn, and my midwife. it had the detailed charts from my mc. how horrifying. all the comments from my midwife and the radiology report. of course i immediately started sobbing.

i was glad to see it though. turns out i was right about Gina the midwife, she is a rockstar. all of her notes are incredible. it was clear she really cared about me. that was nice to see, it wasn't all lip service, she felt genuinely bad.

anyway, don't know why i want to record that in here. guess i just can't stop thinking about it...

centergy class and hpts

hubs and i went to Centergy class again last night and it totally kicked my butt! so many squats and lunges my hips and thighs are so sore i'm walking bow-legged! it felt good to be active though and the guided meditation at the end is really helping my stress i think.

i also got the hpts i ordered off of amazon and they are regrettably crap. they were supposed to be from a company that makes the sticks a little wider so they're easier to read. I also know from testing after my MC that they detect an hcg level of 9 (I had a beta the same day). and they totally sent me these little sticks from a completely different company and have pink tips instead of blue tips. I know, I realize I sound insane, but when you find a good cheap hpt that works you have to hang on to it. So now I have to either suck it up and use these crappy hpt or call the company about the order and sound like a baby obsessed psycho... hmmm decisions decisions... i feel sort of embarassed. Its such a crap-shoot to order hpts online, sometimes you get great ones and sometimes you get the lousy pink ones (they have this fat visible indent line even before you pee on it) so frustrating!

I just can't get over the fact that I (a) order hpts in bulk and (b) am so picky about them that I'm basically a hpt connoisseur...

so glad i'm annonymous on here. i'd be mortified if anyone in real life knew this about me

a busy day on the boards

someone on one of my baby boards asked about the connection between stress and fertility. it's something i've been thinking about a lot. i know i manifest stress physically- i get stress hives from time to time, i had an ulcer when i was 21. i know that the way i'm feeling definitely affects me physically. so how could i look at fertility any differently? don't get me wrong, i'm not all down on myself, i'm not blaming myself for the infertility and the losses. but still... i can't help but wonder. anyway, this is what i replied to her when she asked if stress could be affects her ability to conceive:

i think it's a fine line. i mean, on the one hand i get really irate when people suggest that i'm infertile because i'm stressing about it too much, but on the other hand i do think that cortisol and adrenaline (2 stress hormones) have some affect on your body chemistry. the above post made a good point about people in 3rd world countries having a high birth rate, but they've also been conditioned to their life stresses since birth so their bodies have probably learned to cope and adapt in ways that keep their stress from manifesting in physical ways. they also don't have access to early pregnancy tests and prenatal care so who knows how often they miscarry?
i don't want to get too new-age on you, but i also think it depends on where you "carry" stress. a lot of people feel it in their back and neck which would have no real affect on your reproductive organs. i have been told repeatedly by acupuncturists and massage therapists that i carry stress in my belly (i even had an ulcer when i was 21). i once got this mayan fertility massage and she told me i had a ball of stress next to my uterus and it was crushing my reproductive system... so i dunno... maybe that's my problem?

I also responded to this post about why so many women who miscarry decide to get a D&C. in retrospect i hope it wasn't too harsh. it seemed to kill the thread entirely and that wasn't my intention at all, in fact I'm glad the poster asked instead of just passing judgement. a lot of women who've never had a m/c and consider themselves more natural wonder why women don't just try and pass the m/c at home. doesn't getting a d&c just do more damage? i think that until you've been in that situation you just can't say how you'd react or what kind of toll that would take on you psychologically.

anyway, here's my response:
It is incredibly difficult to bear the burden of a physical pregnancy after you know the baby has passed. A lot of women still have morning sickness even after the baby passes, along with insomnia, hormonal mood swings etc. While any pregnant woman will gladly bear these discomforts when she knows she is growing a baby, someone who is told that the baby is gone will often feel like the lingering symptoms are rubbing salt in the wound. Not to mention it is psychologically horrifying to walk around all day knowing your dead baby is trapped in your body. It is worse than anything I have ever lived through.

I managed to induce my miscarriage by strenuous yoga poses designed to open the cervix and sitting in a hot tub and taking some herbal remedies, but after a week even I was ready to break (and I was pretty determined to do it at home). Luckily I passed the baby 7 days after I found out it died (at 10w3d) and going through it was NOTHING like a period. It was a mini-labor. I had contractions, my cervix had to open, I had to push it out.

The thing is, and I mean no disrespect, but people throw around the term "natural miscarriage" all the time, but the correct term is "unassisted miscarriage." There is absolutely nothing "natural" about losing a baby, about having to deliver a dead fetus in your bathroom. And women who can't emotionally or physically handle it deserve every comfort modern medicine can give them.

I also had a regrettably more hormonal moment on someone who posted some complaints about her TWELVE WEEK pregnancy on a ttc after miscarriage board. i just think that's the height of insensitivity. why would you come on a board full of women who are desperate to have a baby and still very much mourning their losses, and talk about your "out of the 1st tri danger zone" baby?!? UGH. then the worst part is how many people come out to defend her. it seems to happen all the time, i'm never "mean" or "rude" i am actually very polite and say, "a lot of women here are still ttc and your question might be viewed as insensitive to them. here's a link to a great pregnancy after loss board." and people act like i read them the riot act. SHEESH. how ignorant can you be? someone even wrote today, "ttc doesn't end just because you're pregnant. ttc isn't over until you have a baby in your arms" ummm no dummy, trying to conceive ends at conception! DUH!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

i am being posessed by a demon?

so my husband is becomming catholic. yup. just as i'm losing what little faith i ever had, hubs is embracing the catholic lord. what a complete 180. i'm glad that he's found solace, but it's interesting how we're handled this whole infertility miscarriage debacle so differently. he has to believe that there is a master plan at work here, and i have to believe that it's all just bad luck (and if there is a master plan at work, i think it's a shitty plan and i don't want any part of it). we're both just comforting ourselves. it hasn't caused any animosity. well, maybe a little. probably on par with the animosity he feels when i come home from Sephora and have to convince him that i need $200 worth of cosmetics and hair products...

i heard from my sister on monday that my mom believes i am being plagued by a demon. i'm not even kidding. a real demon. she is apparently telling my siblings that i am on the cusp of demonic possession and they all need to pray for me. my older sister is doing a novena.

my mom took a bunch of pictures of me at my birthday party and there were these dust mite orbs and smoke rings from the just blown out candles around my in the picture and my mom is holding them up as proof. there's the demon that stole my baby and is ruining my life. this could all be fixed if i'd just pray more and perhaps seek counsel on a exercisim...

true story. i'm not even making this up. is it any wonder i don't believe any of this anymore? she's been doing this since i was a kid. in fact, when i was miscarrying and all high on painkillers i actually started hallucinating that the devil was eating my baby. i had horrible nightmares all night. i even wrote about it HERE.

it's ok. i mean, more than anything else it's funny, right? if i don't laugh at the sheer ridiculousness i don't know what i'd do. and it is ridiculous. who believe this?

my new trick when things like this happen and people/family say idiotic things is to look for the intention underneath all the bullshit. their intention (through prayers and rosaries and novenas) is to send positive energy my way. so i'm opening myself up to recieve it. it may not be my type of energy, but they're helping the only way they know how and their intentions are good. all i have to do is open my heart and be grateful. and do yoga, lots and lots of stress relieving yoga...

Monday, January 17, 2011

car crash

so i crashed our car tonight. i was driving my mom and sister home from the store during a snow storm and my tiny car slipped on the ice and right into a parked car on the right... such a headache. i need a more winter appropriate car.

this is the second weather related accident we've gotten in since switching our car insurance in the fall. maybe geico is bad luck?

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Hope and Love -Jane Hirshfield

All winter
the blue heron
slept among the horses.
I do not know
the custom of herons,
do not know
if the solitary habit
is their way,
or if he listened for
some missing one--
not knowing even
that was what he did--
in the blowing
sounds in the dark.
I know that
hope is the hardest
love we carry.
He slept
with his long neck
folded, like a letter
put away.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


I had the most amazing dream last night. I was pregnant and I could feel the baby inside of me and when I peed on a pregnancy test it said "yes. 11.3" in the window (it was a digital) and I knew the 11.3 was the amount of hcg in my system. I know it doesn't make sense on paper, but I was so happy! It was neat. They say in dreams that pregnancy represents possibility and a full feeling of potential. I am glad my dreams are so hopeful for the future and I'm not harboring any anxiety about the upcoming treatment. I really feel like once we get our push we'll have a good shot.

I'm really glad to have my dreams back. For a few weeks, maybe even a month or two, I was having these deep vortex sleeps that were just empty. But the last few days I'm actually having dreams I remember and are actually pretty vivid. A few nights ago it was a maze and a swimming pool. Then I had this one where I was in this huge warehouse and a man gave me a new wheel for my car...

Its exciting that my dreams are all about going somewhere and moving on and finding things. It gives me a lot of hope for the upcoming new cycle.

ETA: apparently I'm not the only infertile who obsessively analyzes her dreams during the tww. Check out this HILARIOUS blog:

**there are two dreams i want to record for posterity: so skip this part if you find that kind of thing boring**
1- i dreamt i was walking along the country side and i came upon a farm. there was a very vicious looking dog barking in someone's backyard and when i got closer i could hear a small child screaming and crying. i knocked on the door and an old man answered and said that yard didn't belong to him but the dog and the kid are in the same family so i shouldn't worry about the kid. he walked out of the house and we walked up to the yard. the dog had stopped barking and the kid's mother was coming outside to comfort him. then i noticed that the dog looked emaciated and the man pointed out that this woman's farm was just "skinny" but everything was ok. he pointed to a buffalo that was so skinny i could see all its bones. as i was looking at it it pooped out a whole bale of hay. so weird. then the man and i walked up a hill and looked over the whole property from up there. then we went into the woman's house because she was having some kind of rummage sale and she started showing me sets of sheets. i admired them and thought they were so beautiful! then i woke up.

2-i dreamt i was in a parking lot of a rest stop with hubs and we were looking for a parking spot. ( a lot of this dream is hazy and weird. it comes in and out). then when i got out of the car i was pregnant and this weird neon yellow cm was coming out of me. i went to the bathroom and i peed on a digital hpt and was so excited to see that it said i was pregnant and that my hcg was 11.3. i was so happy and as i looked at the test my belly grew. then i walked out of the bathroom and the "rest stop" was this huge warehouse. very creepy and haunted house kind of maze style warehouse. it was a scarey place but also kind of exciting. there were a lot of men working and building things and one of them gave me a brand new tire for our car. the hub cap was all shiney and the tire was fully inflated and new looking. i hugged him really hard and kept thanking him, but even when i was hugging him i kept thinking about how gross and greasy he was. i took the tire and left.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

last cycle before treatment: cd11

I am trying my damndest to take it easy this cycle, refind myself and my husband..connect to something bigger than myself. I just want to make sure I'm going into this next journey with an open heart and an open mind.

Yesterday I went to yoga and it was such a relief. I just am feeling so much better and so relaxed. I lost 4 pounds this week and I don't even know what I did differently. Maybe there is something to be said for a cortisol body fat connection. I don't know.

I've been talking to my mom and my sister and my friends about treatment and we went to that resolve group and its just such a relief to be able to *talk* about everything. Just share the burden a little. I feel lighter. The future feels more tangible, more approachable . I feel ready for the next step. When I was talking to my mom about embryo freezing and donor eggs and multiples and all the other things we might have to do,she shocked me by how supportive she was. I expected her reactions to be more "catholic" but she was totally like, we trust you to make good decisions and do what you need to do and we would never judge your choices, and we wouldn't love that baby any less than one conceived by more conventional means. It was so sweet and I was tearing up.

I realize that people rarely say what you need them to when you're going through this, I just need to hold on to these small moments of understanding and learn to let go of the rest. They have no real frame of reference for this and all they really care about is my well being (emotional and otherwise).

Also, sorry if this is TMI but hubs and I had the most amazing sex last night. Its been so long since we just had sex with each other without a baby between us and it is so amazing to go back to that. On Sunday morning we actually had my first ever simultaneous o. It was incredible. I don't know what's going to happen next month when we start treatment, but this month "off" is exactly what I needed. I am so glad to have found my way back to myself and my marriage.

I've been doing a lot of visualizing and focus work. This is what i picture when i encourage my body to create life:

Saturday, January 8, 2011

AMH results

got my amh results this morning- 2.5! i think that's good news but have to wait until the meeting to hear the final diagnosis.

Friday, January 7, 2011


Yesterday we went to our first "Centergy" class. Its kind of a mixture of yoga and pilates and it was hard but fun. One of my main coping mechanisms is just to stay busy. Take classes, go to the gym, find a support group-- just stay as busy as possible. The other is to focus on what I have to be grateful for. So here they are, my gratitudes for today:

1. I have an amazing husband. Sensitive, sympathetic, and he loves me. He loves me so much. I read on my message boards about people whose husbands are totally uninvolved and grossed out and use BD as a manipulative tool and I realize how incredibly lucky I am.

2. My family is always there for me. Even when they say stupid things its never because they're malicious they just can't understand. But they want to, and they're trying to.

3. We totally have amazing insurance. I am realizing more every day how lucky I am to have the option of IVF and ART. We may have gotten a raw deal reproductively but at least we have the means to try and fix it and most people don't.

Even in the midst of all this junk, there are some glimmers of hope that it isn't over yet. when hubs lost his job in the spring we were devastated, fought constantly and just had a horrible time with it. but it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to us because his old job had no infertility coverage and the new one he got a few weeks later has the most amazing coverage we've ever had: testing, diagnostics, treatment, no dollar maximum. So in retrospect it was pretty serendipitous that things went the way they did. Also, although i miss our baby terribly every day and would trade that one real baby for the dozen "hypothetical" babies we might have, if i had stayed pregnant i would never have found out any of this stuff about premature ovarian failure. in fact, if we had had that baby we probably would have waited a while before trying again and by then it would have been too late to have another. so at least in losing the most amazing thing that I've ever had I'm able to find solace in what i learned about myself through that process.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

i am such a sucker...

Capricorn Jan 6 2011
You'll soon have something to celebrate, Capricorn. You may have given up on a goal simply because it didn't materialize in the timeframe you expected. But in the days ahead you'll begin to see signs that what you hope for is still very much alive and well. Let this be a lesson. You need to be more open-minded and less judgmental of yourself, as well as less rigid in demanding that things happen in your own timetable. The universe works in mysterious ways. If you can be more carefree in your pursuits, you'll offer less resistance to the good things that are coming your way.
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2 things that are lightening my soul

The Art of Drowning -Billy Collins

I wonder how it all got started, this business
about seeing your life flash before your eyes
while you drown, as if panic, or the act of submergence,
could startle time into such compression, crushing
decades in the vice of your desperate, final seconds.

After falling off a steamship or being swept away
in a rush of floodwaters, wouldn't you hope
for a more leisurely review, an invisible hand
turning the pages of an album of photographs-
you up on a pony or blowing out candles in a conic hat.

How about a short animated film, a slide presentation?
Your life expressed in an essay, or in one model photograph?
Wouldn't any form be better than this sudden flash?
Your whole existence going off in your face
in an eyebrow-singeing explosion of biography-
nothing like the three large volumes you envisioned.

Survivors would have us believe in a brilliance
here, some bolt of truth forking across the water,
an ultimate Light before all the lights go out,
dawning on you with all its megalithic tonnage.
But if something does flash before your eyes
as you go under, it will probably be a fish,

a quick blur of curved silver darting away,
having nothing to do with your life or your death.
The tide will take you, or the lake will accept it all
as you sink toward the weedy disarray of the bottom,
leaving behind what you have already forgotten,
the surface, now overrun with the high travel of clouds.

Details in the Fabric -Jason Mraz click here for the youtube video
Calm down, deep breaths
And get yourself dressed
Instead of running around
And pulling on your threads
And breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it

And hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
Hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
And everything, will be fine.

Hang on, help is on the way
And stay strong, I'm doing everything

Hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
Hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
And everything,
Everything will be fine

All the details in the fabric
All the things that make you panic
All your thoughts, results of static cling
All the things that make you blow
Ain't no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked,
It's just the fault of faulty manufacturing
Everything, will be fine
Everything, in time

Hold your own, know your name
And go your own way.
Hold your own,
(all the details in the fabric)
Know your name
(all the things that make you panic)
And go your own way
(all your thoughts, results of static cling)

Hold your own,
(all the details in the fabric)
Know your name
(all the things that make you panic)
And go your own way
(is it mother nature's sewing machine?)

Hold your own,
(all the things that make you blow)
Know your name
(ain't no reason, go on and scream)
And go your own way.
(if you're shocked, it's just the fault of faulty manufacturing)

Everything, will be fine
Everything, in no time at all
Hearts will hold...

what can i say?

so here we are. waiting again.

after doing a lot of research online, i'm becomming more aware of how dismal our situation is. i will likely enter menopause in the next 5 years. wow. that's a crushing blow. the baby we lost may be the only baby we'll ever have. our insurance, which looked extrodinary when we first started now seems like it will never be enough. only 3 egg retrievals? only 2 ivfs after a live birth. it's hard to think about. it's hard to go from timing sex and hoping for the best to hearing that our only option is agressive treatment, like, yesterday.

and i'm angry. i'm angry that i let so many doctors bully me about my weight and tell me that the only thing holding me back is that i'm overweight. thank goddess we got this test done. thank goddess we didn't take time off to get healthy and lose weight. in 6 months i might not even be a candidate for ivf. plus my hypothyrodism is so bad it explains a lot of things i've been attributing to depression: i gained 10 pounds in a month but i can't remember eating anything, i have no appetite. my hair is falling out, i'm tired all the time, my hands and feet are always cold and my brain is just in a fog. i look at my old blog and see how i used to write with such clarity and precision and now it's so hard to sit here and try and organize my thoughts. i thought i was just depressed, that it was affecting my ability to focus, but no. my TSH is just way up and it's making my body all screwy.

we are trying very hard to not get ahead of ourselves here. we have to wait for our appointment with the wizard of oz, i mean dr. morris. and we have to wait for more test results. we have to wait. and wait. and wait. it's terrifying. it's mind numbing.

i have to consider things i never even realized were on the table: egg donation? freezing my embryos? injectibles?

i don't even know where to begin.

so after the bad news on tuesday i looked up a support group on the RESOLVE website and found a group that was meeting in a suburb not too far from us the very next day. i emailed the group and asked if it was still going on and if i could bring my husband and she said absolutely, we'd love to have you. it was the best decision i could have made. i felt my stomach unclenching for the first time is weeks. i cannot recommend it enough if you've been in the muck of infertility for a while. some people had diagnoses way worse than ours, some people had ones that were better. but it was nice to talk about it and know that the feelings are normal. i think hubs was especially comforted by the whole process. one woman heard my story and my bad AFC and quickly assured me, "you'll be fine. you'll get your baby, you have time on your side." and that was reassuring.

so i'm feeling a little better today than i was yesterday. my plan for the next few weeks is to take the tests and STAY BUSY. i'm going to a bunch of classes at my gym, hubs and i are going to do a massive cleaning of our apartment. i'm just going to stay as busy as possible. that's all i can do.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

day 3 lab results

Estradiol- 45.5
Follicle Stimulating Hormone- 3.83
LH- 4.25
Antral Follicle Count- 4 on my left and 1 on my right

my hormone numbers are "good" but my AFC indicates poor ovarian reserve and we will need to begin aggressive treatment right away.

i am in such a state of shock right now.

ok, wait, back up

this morning at the ultrasound she did an antral follicle count and said everything looked fine. she said i had 4 follicles on my left ovary and 1 on my right. it sounded ok to my totally ridiculously untrained head.

i just googled this information and got the following result:

4-6 follicles:
Low count, we are concerned about a possible/probable poor response to the stimulation drugs.
Likely to need high doses of FSH product to stimulate ovaries adequately.
Higher than average rate of
IVF cycle cancellation.
Lower than average pregnancy rates for those cases that make it to egg retrieval


here we go again, another ride on the rollercoaster

part of me wants to go back and delete the last five days of blogs on here. they make me look insane. really. if you knew me in real life you'd have no idea that this is what i do in my spare time, and this is what keeps me up at night.

of course i started my period.

i went dowtown today for day 3 baseline monitoring. ultrasound, 5 vials of blood.


Saturday, January 1, 2011

a little bit pregnant

So my "period" is tapering off. I've been sort of spotting since yesterday but nothing ever comes out. I only notice it because I've had bloody cervical fluid in my vagina. I haven't had to wear a pad, but when I insert my fingers I have red-streaked ewcm. Its very weird.

I want to write so many things about what an amazing NYE we had; we went to zoo lights at brookfield zoo with my two younger siblings. And then we scrapped all the party going plans and stayed at my parents. We played ukulele and sang and had a jam session. It was so sweet and so much fun. It was perfect.

I want to write about having brunch at arliss's house and how I've been finding a kind a peace in the last 2 days. I decided that getting my period was not going to break me and we were going to back to the gym and I was going to not put myself through this obsession next month and instead focus on losing weight and getting healthier.

Then hubs and I got antsy a few hours ago and decided to go to Whole Foods and splurge on champagne and truffles. I talked about taking a hot chamomile and eucalyptis bath. We came home and hubs opened the champagne and I started running the bath. I decided to check inside mysef and see if my flow was picking up. I was surprised when I saw that it seemed to be tapering off. I decided what the heck, and peed on a stick. It was faintly, faintly, so faintly positive. But hubs saw it too. and that's kind of a big deal, because he never ever admits to seeing a second line- even with my last pregnancy it took a digital and the actual word "pregnant" to convince him. and there he was, celebrating and hugging me and crying.

So here we are. Am I going to stay pregnant or is this another chemical? Is it implantation bleeding or the beginning of the end. is this more frer bullshit? because i really feel like i'm on the edge here. do i take my hot eucalyptis bath and drink my champagne or wait?