Friday, December 31, 2010

good riddence 2010

God, what a horrifying end to the year.

Plus I started spotting today so AF should be here by tomorrow. And the hits just keep on coming; My RE's office is closed til Monday which will be cd4, too late for a baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. So we wait another cycle...

I'm so over this year.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

frer EPIC FAIL!!

I just experienced the worst thing any obsessive ttc woman could possibly experience- not 1, not 2 but fucking 3 huge fat-ass indent/evap lines on a FRER. It came up right away, it didn't fade, there was even a little pink to it. Weird, I thought, but probably a fluke. I had peed in a cup and was doing the dip method, so I opened another one. Same result. Fat instantaneous grey line. I started to get excited, really excited. I dipped the third. Same result. Maybe that's what the new positives look like? At 11dpo and 11:15 at night I was desperate for answers. I grabbed my purse and hustled over to Walgreens and bought 2 FRER dgital (supposedly the most sensitive). Big fat NO WAY JOSE.

Now I'm a cross between sobbing uncontrollably and feeling irrationally hopeful that this is some kind of early positive. I'm so devastated and pissed. I will never buy first response pregnancy tests again. What a fucking shitstorm.

Dear universe- thank you for once again kicking me when I'm down. Happy fucking new year.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

bfn :(

took a test this morning at 10dpo and got bfn. i really feel like i'm out. i think my period is coming on :(

also, i'm the bitchiest bitch ever the last two days...

Tuesday, December 28, 2010


ok, now i'm all zen about ttc again. thank god for poetry. now i'm all centered (just in time to get my bfp tonight)

Birds Again

sometimes i refer to our babies as little birds. this poem makes me think of all the babies inside of me just waiting to take wing. it gives me hope and makes me a little sad at the same time...

A secret came a week ago though I already
knew it just beyond the bruised lips of consciousness.
The very alive souls of thirty-five hundred dead birds
are harbored in my body. It’s not uncomfortable.
I’m only temporary habitat for these not-quite-
weightless creatures. I offered a wordless invitation
and now they’re roosting within me, recalling
how I had watched them at night
in fall and spring passing across earth moons,
little clouds of black confetti, chattering and singing
on their way north or south. Now in my dreams
I see from the air the rumpled green and beige,
the watery face of earth as if they’re carrying
me rather than me carrying them. Next winter
I’ll release them near the estuary west of Alvarado
and south of Veracruz. I can see them perching
on undiscovered Olmec heads. We’ll say goodbye
and I’ll return my dreams to earth.
(jim harrison)


 but wherever you are you are likely to have this
idea of what it means for spring to come      and you know how
it will come and when it will come      because in your
expectations it always comes      in a neat order the way
  seasons do      because there are exactly four of them and
they are very nicely named and there are exactly three months
in them and they very obediently follow the astronomical year
-spring love noise and all (david antin)

It’s comforting to look up from this roof
And feel that, while all changes, nothing’s lost,
To recollect that in antiquity
The winter solstice fell in Capricorn
And that, in the Orion Nebula,
From swirling gas, new stars are being born.
-Toward the Winter Solstice (timothy steele)

at night my hand can touch your feathers
and then I wipe the vernix from your wings,
you who have made bright things from shadows,
you who have crossed the distances to roost in me.
-Birds Appearing in a Dream (michael collier)

Fragments for the End of the Year

On average, odd years have been the best for me.

I’m at a point where everyone I meet looks like a version
of someone I already know.

Without fail, fall makes me nostalgic for things I’ve never experienced.

The sky is molting. I don’t know
if this is global warming or if the atmosphere is reconfiguring
itself to accommodate all the new bright suffering.

I am struck by an overwhelming need to go to Iceland.

Despite all awful variables, we are still full of ideas
as possible as unsexed fruit.

I was terribly sorry to be the one to explain to the first graders
the connection between the sunset and pollution.

On Venus you and I are not even a year old.

Then there were two skies.
The one we fly through and the one
we bury ourselves in.

I appreciate my wide beveled spatula which fulfills
the moment I realized I would grow up and own such things.

I am glad I do not yet want sexy bathroom accessories.
Such things.

In the story we were together every time.

On his wedding day, the stone in his chest
not fully melted but enough.

Sometimes I feel like there are birds flying out of me.

by Jennifer K. Sweeney

seriously, i can only write so much...

...about waiting to find out if i'm pregnant and being sad about not being pregnant yet.

so i'm going to post some poems that make me feel better.

How to Make a Game of Waiting

This is a capsized game
and there is no display of aces at the end.
Buy a rare and expensive plant that never blooms.
Rearrange your books by the color of the spines.
Bury all your keys that don’t unlock anything.
These are not rules but merely suggestions
of what has worked for others.
For instance, the man who painted landscapes
on his daughter’s sheet music.
Put a big rock on your desk.
Do not name the rock.
Take the numbers off the clock and mail them
to your creditors.
Stitch the hours onto a kite.
Every night, ask until you can hear what replies.
-Jennifer Sweeney

i feel like crap

i'm only cd24 and i already know it's over for this cycle. i feel like total shit. i'm bitchy and weepy and i hate everything. i'm so sick of having all these symptoms that don't mean anything. i'm sick of my body messing with my head. i just want to be able to trust myself again.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

today i am 27

well, today i turned 27. hubs and i decided we weren't going to make a big deal about xmas and expect nothing and actually that turned out to be the best course of action. when you don't have any expectations every small victory feels extraordinary.

we had xmas eve with my extended family last night and i must say, that was pretty brutal. my cousin/godmother and i were due on the same day and so seeing her with a cute baby bump and announcing the sex hit too close to home. it's their first to, so hearing everyone congratulate them and offer advice and shake "daddy's" hand was super hard on my husband. he took more than a few walks to cool off. when she first got pregnant and called me i thought it would be so amazing to have our babies together and have a pregnancy buddy, but it has turned into some kind of nightmare. i got choked up a few times and she never even brought it up to me or said "sorry about your baby" or anything. she totally didn't even acknowledge it.

then we went to midnight mass with my brothers and hubs started crying and had to leave.

today (xmas and my bday) was not so bad though. our expectations were low so we just kind of coasted through it (and got some nice gifts).

i've been thinking about our wedding day a lot for some reason. it was in june and our reception was planned for outdoors in the gardens and i refused to believe it could rain. everyone kept pressing me to get a tent and i really didn't want to. "but what if it rains?" they kept saying. "it just can't" i answered. of course my mom finally overrode me and ordered a big tent and of course it did rain, briefly, in the afternoon.

i'm starting to think that that sums up my whole appraoch to life. that if i'm strong willed enough i can bend my environment to my will. of course it never works that way. in being "strong" i think i've inadvertantly turned myself to stone and now slowly the world is chipping away at me because i am unmalleable. i need to try and soften my ideals and myself so that instead of being "chipped away" i can be reshaped; that instead of losing pieces of myself i can simply soften and readjust. and maybe that's what the universe has been trying to show me all along, i can't always do it my way- i'm not in control and i can either be chisled or molded...

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Last Night

we made it through of first post-mc cycle of "babymaking." it was kind of hard on us, and forced us to deal with a lot of questions we had and some buried grief. it was the winter solstice yesterday and we were in good spirits so we decided to go out to eat. i've been kind of bad about going out lately. i feel really isolated and it's been difficult to pull it together and get dressed and make myself look presentable to the outside world. i'm so unhappy i almost want it to show, i want to look terrible and have bags under my eyes and greasy hair. i want people to look at me and think, "wow! something terrible must have happened to her!" and because of that i'm finding it hard to do normal things like get dressed and take showers and wear makeup. but yesterday i was feeling somewhat hopeful. i don't really have a "religion" but i'm a big believer in the synchronicity of nature. it was solstice. a season was ending and a new one was starting and it made me feel like things were changing for me too, that the season of grieving was coming to an end.

hubs picked me up from work and we decided on thai food. there's a place sort of close to our house that has great stuff, and the staff is really friendly so it's kind of our go-to. when we got there everything was going great. hubs and i were joking around and i said some teasing stuff about having non-procreating sex later. just as our entrees were placed on our table, the waitress sat a group of four girls next to us. they were all "sex and the city" cute and jokey and close and it made me miss my girlfriends a little, but it was no big thing. then the 5th girl walked in and everyone was so glad to see her. "so, are you fat yet?" one of them said. and as she took off her coat i saw she had a little baby bump.

ok, i thought, i can do this. you never know what she's been through. maybe it took 5 ivf treatments and 3 miscarriages to get that pregnancy...

i tried to tune out there conversation but pieces of it kept breaking in. her friends were all gushy over her and she was talking about hearing the heartbeat and not being able to see the sex organs in the ultrasound.

at this point i becamse flustered. if they're trying to find out the sex she must be due right around when i was. my eyes kept filling with tears and my husband asked for the check. i kept my head down and started messing with my phone.

then the hammer fell: she got her anatomy scan on monday. when i was supposed to have mine. i got all panicky. they started talking about how she's halfway done and how the baby looked on the scan. it was too much. i pulled my coat on and ran to the car.

after my husband paid the check he got in and i was full on sobbing. i couldn't even catch my breath. "what were they saying?" he asked.

"that's supposed to be me!" i screamed. i was screaming so loud it was like i was erupting. "that was MY scan!" "those are supposed to be MY FUCKING friends" "THAT IS MY LIFE AND SHE STOLE IT"

i know it sounds crazy.

for the past week or so i've been toying with the "alternative reality." you know: what would we be doing? what would it have been? how would we tell the family? i've been picturing our life, obsessing, really. i can't focus on anything else. so there i am, thinking constantly about that scan and this alternate ending we could have had. and then, as if that wasn't bad enough, we have to have dinner with her? our alternate life has to sit next to us?! really?!

what a hard night. i'm just feeling so sorry for myself. i didn't just lose the baby, i lost everything. there must be a specific smell attached to my unhappiness, my despair must stink because everyone i used to know avoids me now. i lost all my girlfriends. they have no concept of how painful this is, or what my life is like now and i can't just go back to partying and bitching about our significant others. i can't stand my husband's family. they just turn the screws and are confused about why it's taking so long to get over this. i don't enjoy having sex anymore, not like i used to. it's really like i've lost everything. i lost myself.

and there the universe is, kicking me while i'm down. making sure my alternate self is sitting next to my giggling with her frineds about MY anatomy scan. it's so unreal. if this were a movie version of my life i would never believe it. i'd say "that's too much! in a city of 6 million people? such heavy handed irony..." and then i'd flip the channel. but it is real. there is no alternative reality, and we have no baby anymore.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

"the first time i saw you, i knew it would never last"

when we were driving home from KY after thanksgiving hubs and i kept listening to our elliott smith cd and crying. there was one song called "pitseleh" that really had us breaking down.

i just looked up the lyrics to try and figure out what its about and found out that "pitseleh" is a yiddish word meaning "little one"

most people think the song is about a breakup; about two people who can't make it work and so they sort of give each other up for the greater good. but, i sort of think he's writing about a kid he knew he had and decided would be better off without him as a dad, or maybe his girlfriend got an abortion or aomething. i don't know- maybe i'm projecting, but it seems like he's not talking about romantic love. it seems like he's saying he's sorry he couldn't be more "present" to someone...

anyway, here are the lyrics (i italicized the ones i think point to my theory)

I'll tell you why I don't
Want to know where you are
I got a joke I been dying to tell you
A silent kid is looking down the barrel
To make the noise that I kept so quiet

I kept it from you, Pitseleh

I'm not what's missing from your life now
I could never be the puzzle pieces

They say that God makes problems
Just to see what you can stand
Before you do as the devil pleases
And give up the thing you love

But no one deserves it

The first time I saw you
I knew it would never last
I'm not half what I wish I was

I'm so angry, I don't think it'll ever pass
And I was bad news for you, just because
I never meant to hurt you

and here's the video/song if you want to listen. it's really beautiful

weepy weekend

had a rough weekend. i kept trying to pull it together, but christmas is making me crazy.

we would have had our gender/anatomy scan yesterday. it was a rough day for me. i kept crying. while we were laying in bed i said to hubs, "do you think in some alternate world the other version of ourselves is all happy and arguing about names and wondering how we're going to hold the news in til xmas eve?" we both started crying. things are so different than they should be. this is not how this is suppposed to go. i'm supposed to be buying little pink or blue things and getting all obsessive. i just miss that baby so much. it feels so unfair that she got taken. i'm having a really hard time again after weeks of doing ok and getting all excited about ttc and ovulation and all that. now i'm like, "what's the point?" even if we do conceive again that doesn't mean anything.

Friday, December 17, 2010

if i don't conceive this month i'm going to be devastated

there. i admitted it.

if it doesn't happen for me i'm going to be murderous with disappointment. i will not be able to get out of bed for days. there i admitted it. i feel better. i keep feeling this need to not get my hopes up, to stay grounded so the fall doesn't break me again. but i can't help it. i am excited and i desperately want a baby.

it seems like everything is lining up. i just can't believe it.
1- i was on a 10 day course of penicillin (antibiotics) for my strep throat on CD2-12. i just found out (courtesy of dr. google and TCOYF message boards) that being on antibiotics gives you an insane amount of cervical fluid and actually a lot of doctors will prescribe it when you're going through ART to give you a "boost" in your EWCM. i have never had such great ewcm in my entire reproductive life.
2- everyone says you're more fertile after a miscarriage. not sure if it's true, but i'm willing to believe
3- i got an hsg on CD11 and everyone says you're more fertile after an hsg. again, i'm not sure if it's true, but i'm willing to believe.
4- i'm ovulating around the full moon (dec 21st) and it also happens to be the winter solstice. double whammy!
5- today my CBFM went to "HIGH" fertility, which has me all giddy and excited. plus my opks are getting darker. come on little egg!
6. hubs and i have managed to sperminate me every night since CD11 (after the hsg). since we found out he has no problems with his supply/count we are doing it as much as possible. we are going to try for every single night til CD20. I'm on cd13 now, so hopefully it works. it's kind of a modified SMEP (sperm meets egg plan).

please keep your collective fingers and toes crossed for me. i'm so excited i can hardly stand it. come on little egg!

i'll be testing on new years eve.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

HSG after miscarriage

so i had my hsg today. i'm on cd 11 and the last few days i've had an insane amount of cervical fluid. really just gobs, more than i've ever had before. i was considering canceling the procedure because honestly i'm afraid it's going to throw my cycle off and my O is looking so good i don't want to mess with it. also, i sort of feel like it might be too soon after losing the baby. i mean, i know i'm able to get pregnant and my tubes aren't blocked because obviously i was pregnant. but i decided to just get it out of the way.

last night hubs got into a car accident and smashed up the front end of our tiny car, so to get to the surgical center in naperville my mother was kind enough to rent us a car. we left later than i anticipated because of this and didn't end up getting to the surgical center until 11 (instead of 10:30). but the hsg appt was at 11:15 so i figured we'd still be ok.

i was kind of expecting a pap-smear type thing, but this was a serious surgical center. when we arrived i filled out the forms (and found out i had to pay a $150 copay) and they immediately took me to this little curtained off room. i had to put on a surgical gown, booties, and a hair cover thing. it was sort of daunting considering that i'd imagined it more like a pap smear.

the nurse led me into the sugery room- and it was a real surgical room. very scary, lots of people, all these machines. i wasn't expecting that. dr morris was super nice and talked to me about the procedure. then i got up on the table, put my legs in the stir-ups and kind of flashed the whole room. there were 2 techs and a nurse who all introduced themselves to me. it was a little overwhelming.

then dr. morris inserted a speculum which was uncomfortable because i think he had it open all the way. i couldn't really feel very much- he told me what he was doing as he was doing it, he washed my cervix with iodine (which was cold) and then he said "i'm going to give you some pain reflief to numb your cervix" which i think was a shot, but i couldn't tell. it was a very fast pinch. then he told me to look to my right and i could watch him insert the catheter into my uterus. it was kind of neat, but also sad to see it was so empty.

while it was filling with dye i was watching the pictures and my uterus looked normal and appeared to have a thick lining. i was worried that something was wrong with one of my tubes because i couldn't really see it filling with dye on the screen, but i think that was just the angle. the whole procedure was completely painless.

afterwards (maybe 5 minutes later- it was quick!) when he pulled the catheter out of me he went over all the pictures with me and told me everything looked great. no blockages, normal shaped uterus, clean tubes. everything was fine. one of the techs put these huge granny panties on me that had a maxi pad in them.

then the nurse helped me into a wheel chair (which was sort of unnecessary) and wheeled me back into the curtained room. they told me to take 15 minutes to eat a few cookies and drink some juice before i got dressed. hubs came back and gave me a foot massage. then we left.

really, the procedure was SOO easy. no pain at all. i had some menstrual type cramping afterwards, but it wasn't bad. for me the hardest part was emotional. it was so hard to see my empty uterus and it made me miss my baby so much. i know i went through the whole miscarriage thing and even had a period, but still- it was hard on me emotionally. i keep crying.

i may have to consider this cycle a wash. i feel like shit and i'm pretty sure the hsg is going to throw my O day off. it's a shame because i was hoping to ovulate around the winter solstice (dec 21st) because it's a full moon and there'll also be a lunar eclipse. i guess we'll see...

Saturday, December 11, 2010

cd 7 spotting

so i finished my period in a normal time frame even though it was super heavy. then i noticed this afternoon that my CF is pink. very weird. i hope i don't start spotting. other than the color it's a great consistancy, EW, and CP is good too. all signs point to Oing some time next week.

wisconsin dells

hubs and i are on a mini-vaycay at wilderness territory in wisconsin dells. driving in was kind of a mess because about 75miles away we started driving into a blizzard, a total white-out blizzard. it was terrifying.

then when we got here things were a little awkward with all the kids running around and i haven't seen my friend since pre-miscarriage. but then hubs and i jumped on a shuttle to this really swank italian restaurant and had this romantic dinner. it was was awesome! then we came back and got in the hot tub which was overlooking this amazing blizzard lake scene. so beautiful and romantic. i feel so much better and so relaxed...

Thursday, December 9, 2010

whats going on

so my husband had his work holiday party on 12/7. I was sort of dreading it because he just started this job in the spring and i haven't met any of his coworkers yet. when i had the miscarriage they all sent cards and stuff saying how sorry they were, so it kind of freaked me out that all these people knew about me was that i had a miscarriage last month. but it wasn't such a big deal. everyone was friendly and nice and the food was good and no one said anything about the baby so i'm glad everything turned out ok.

i was horribly sick last week. started as a head cold and grew into strep throat and a sinus infection. was running a fever most of the weekend. finally on monday i called my doctor to see if they could squeeze me in, but of course they couldn't see me for another week and a half. so i ended up going into one of those walgreens walk-in clinics. it was so expensive! $69.99 for the "office" visit and then the strep test was $17. but at least i got some antibiotics and am starting to feel better.

hubs and i are supposed to go to wisconsin dells this weekend with my friend, her son, her sister and her daughter. basically 2 families with kids... wish me luck

i am glad though that my friend and i were able to make up. i think i wrote a really impassioned note about it somewhere back there. anyway, she was bugging me all last week about whether or not we were going to go on this trip (we paid for it back in september) and finally i called her and we both started crying and managed to find some middle ground. i'm still hurt about how my friends kind of abandoned me when i lost the baby, but i'm beginning to realize that they really did just have no idea what to say or do...

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

finally good news

hubs has great sperm. we got his semen analysis results today, everything looks good!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

oh! and thanksgiving with the inlaws (for posterity)

i realize i never updated how thanksgiving with the inlaws went:

Ok, so we left our house around 3PM on wednesday night expecting to get to lexington by around 11PM at the latest. we hit traffic on I65 and debated stopping at a hotel. it took over an hour to drive 12 miles. we were basically at a dead stop. and it was sleeting. then hubs remembered that he was supposed to bring our air mattress for us to sleep on but forgot it. that settled it, we pulled off in shelbyville at a days inn. after meticulously checking the mattress for bed bugs i passed out and slept soundly until around 9 the next morning.

we got to MIL's house in lexington around 11. we had this great plan of coming in to a thanksgiving-type bustle of cooking and setting up and passing out the multitude of presents we got for niece and nephew. this is not what happened. MIL and her BF were lounging in their pajamas, and SIL and BIL were cranky and the kids were just kind of trashing the place. BIL decided that we were only allowed to give niece and nephew one present (which pissed us off, but whatever). The day wore on pretty lazily. BIL and SIL went out to walmart to pick up a bunch of things MIL forgot.

then later while the husbands were cooking SIL decided to tell me that she completely understood the pain of my miscarriage because she'd had an elective abortion at eight weeks back when her and BIL first started dated. i tried to ignore the sting and tell myself that she didn't mean anything by it and afterall, i am very liberal and prochoice. but it just kept nagging at me that she'd compare the decision of terminating her pregnancy to us having our baby stolen from us. it just kept hitting me that these people have NO IDEA what we are going through.

then hubs got choked up when we were going around the table saying what we were thankful for. then "choked up" turned into full on sobbing. finally he excused himself and pulled it together in the bathroom. and here's the thing- his family registered NOTHING. not one sympathetic look, not one hug, not one "sorry son" ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. i felt so bad that he had to grow up in that. i mean, at mean family they would have at least laughed at me and made fun of me or something, but certainly not ignored it....

Friday we left for FIL's (and step-mother-in-law or SMIL). small back story: they started heckling us about whether or not we were coming four fucking days after i delivered our dead baby in our bathroom. and it's not like they had no idea what was going on. they read my blog every day. they knew. we passed the tissue on 11/6 they started sending out menus on 11/10. four days after the mc hubs and i could hardly breathe. we could hardly dress ourselves. we couldn't even contemplate the holidays. and there my inlaws were- emailing us every day "do you know your plans yet? can you respond to the suggested menu?" Finally hubs snapped and emailed his dad saying basically leave us alone, we're trying to grieve the death of our child. so his dad started responding with things like "we're planting a tree in honor of our lost grandchild" which was nice, but really, they just had no idea.

finally it all came to a head when SMIL read THIS BLOG (on my old blog address- the main reason why i created this new one) about what a rotten day i'd had and how much i was dreading the holidays. and decided to call me out on it. she sent a very terse email saying maybe it would be best if we didn't come to their house for the holidays after all. after nagging us about it for 3 weeks. after finally getting us to cave and say ok, we're definitely coming. unreal.

so i had to call and apologize for writing the blog and of course i started crying and the whole thing was just humiliating. i couldn't believe that they had to make me feel like shit when i already was at my worst. it was like kicking me when i was down.

so anyway, we go to their house on friday stay til sunday and guess what? they didn't serve a SINGLE FUCKING THING on that stupid menu they'd been heckling us about since 4 days after we lost our baby. they didn't cook one fucking thing on there. it was seriously like a slap in the face. just so juvenile.

hubs and i managed to hold it together while we were there, and he even had some good quality time with his brother. but as soon as we got on the expressway to go home i just fell apart. i started sobbing so hard i had to pull over and just let it out. it felt like i had a cork in me all weekend.

anyway, so that was our joyous thanksgiving. is it any wonder we're considering skipping christmas altogether?

scheduled my HSG today

man, i cannot even tell you how much it sucked to call the RE again.

my HSG is schduled for dec 16th. merry christmas? bah humbug.

also, should i be concerned that it's on CD 12? i hope it won't fuck up my ovulation...

ETA: i called and switched it to cd 11, wednesday dec. 15th. the nurse seemed to think i was crazy and said, if anything, it could *help* me get pregnant by helping the sperm swim up my tubes. i just can't shake the wisdom of "" where i found tons of women who say it messed up their cycle and kept them from ovulating...

i feel like such a moron

who gets pregnant again 3 1/2 weeks after a ten week miscarriage? certainly not me... is it even possible?

all i know is that when i went in for my appointment on 11/19 the pee test in the office was negative and when i peed on a cheap internet test strip after thanksgiving with midday, unheld urine it was clearly positive. yet my beta numbers were low. so what was the mIU of the office test? it had to have been 20 or 25. and did my hcg really only fall 10-12 points in 2 weeks? that's depressing...

and yet- there was my period. exactly 29 days after i passed all the tissue. like nothing had ever happened. like i'd never been pregnant at all....

i know i should be grateful. there are hundreds of posts on my message board from women who've waited 6, even 8 weeks to get a post-mc period. i should be glad my body is trying to "right" itself. so why do i have this crushed in chest feeling. why am i not able to stop crying?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

1st beta

i don't know whether to laugh or cry. i'm so exhausted i could sleep for a year...