Monday, February 28, 2011

reckless hope

friends of ours had a miscarriage over the weekend. I wrote a blog about her a while back. They've been ttc off and on for the better part of a decade. She always thought she'd be one of those earth mommas who coast through their pregnancy with barely a care, but infertility is the gift that keeps on giving. Crippled by anxiety she became convinced she was going to lose the baby. So she got ultrasounds and barely was able to function. She found out last week at just over ten weeks that the baby stopped developing around 8 weeks.

It was so sad. The thing is, she's handling it really well. Almost too well. When she called me to tell me it felt like a punch in the gut. I can't stop crying every time I think about it. She had a memorial service and showed everyone (6 or 7 women who are all doulas, midwives, and infant caregivers) the fetus. And we all talked about how perfect he was, how adorable. It was so different from my own miscarriage experience. I'm mortified to admit that I'm actually wildly jealous of the support she got. My husband and I were basically ostracized in the weeks after our loss. No one wanted to talk about it and it clearly made people uncomfortable when we brought it up.

The thing I can't stop thinking about is how well she seems to be handling it. In fact, she told me, its almost a relief. "I've felt that something was wrong for so long, its strangely validating to know I was right."

And this is what infertility reduces us to: constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, expecting the worst so it won't hit as hard when it happens.

Now she gets to play the 'ol "did anxiety cause the miscarriage or was I anxious because I knew I miscarried?" It never ends.

Here I am, 8dpIUI just waiting for my negative beta so I can start again. Somewhere, somehow, I know there's a tiny kernal of hope in me whispering "what if? What if?" But I smother it with complaints about supplemental progesterone and mean REs so it won't crush me if it doesn't work out.

And I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to hope openly and speculate with abandon. I haven't even written a single 2ww symptom spotting blog. The best I can do is upload some horoscopes that look promising. When did this happen?

I want this IUI to work. There. I said it. It may not, and that will hurt. a lot. But I want it to work. I want to hope again.

true story

I was walking to acupuncture and there was a car out front with its blinkers on and the license plate was BFP.

If that's not a sign I don't know what is.

PS: tried moxibustion at acu today. It was awesome!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

i hate

progesterone. I hate it. I loathe it. It makes me feel like absolute shit. Headaches, sore boobs, weepy. It is seriously the worst feeling in the world. I want a baby. And I understand I have a progesterone deficiency, but I just keep seeing the cycles stretched out in front of me and every single month I'll spend the last two weeks feeling like a truck smashed into me.

I'm exhausted and disappointed.

horoscope 2/26

Capricorn Feb 26 2011
You can't control the weather, Capricorn. You could experience rain, sleet, snow, hail, high winds, and so on, but if you are prepared for any of these, the experience will be far more tolerable and even productive. That's a metaphor for the experiences you may face over the next few days. You have an unpredictable path just ahead of you. There could be a wide range of experiences waiting for you - including some very sunny moments. As long as you think ahead, and you maintain a can-do attitude, you will be able to deal with anything you face.

Capricorn Feb 27 2011
"Methinks he doth protest too much." So wrote Shakespeare more than four hundred years ago. Although those words are ancient, they carry a lot of wisdom for your current situation. Someone - maybe even you - is protesting something with great passion. It could be because that person (maybe you) isn't quite sure that he or she is right. If someone you know is in denial, it may require some alone time to concentrate on the issue and come to a conclusion free from public scrutiny. Soul-searching is the answer to the problem.

Capricorn Feb 28 2011
Something in your life isn't making sense - yet for some reason it just feels right. Even though the situation may defy logic, and may not fit in with your expectations, that doesn't mean it isn't meant to be. Don't question this phenomenon. Don't question your reaction to it. And most of all don't question whether you deserve the windfall or good fortune that comes with an unexpected change in your life. You do deserve it. And in the big picture, you will eventually see why it all makes sense after all.

well, here's my horoscope today. And while I'd like to believe I'm more rational than this, I'm pretty willing to take it as an indicator of a failed cycle.

People react differently to stress. Some seek out comfort food. Some drink cup after cup of coffee. And there are also those who indulge in far more destructive habits to find solace, like smoking or drinking too much. You, on the other hand, may have a habit of becoming more introspective. You go deep inside yourself. To the outside world, that may not seem like a bad way to deal with a difficulty. The problem is that you tend to blame yourself when you're in that state. Don't blame yourself for something that didn't work out recently. Comfort yourself in some non-destructive way and move on. Something much better lies just around the bend.

Friday, February 25, 2011

progesterone 7dpo

Got my 7dpo P4... its 5.8.
This is so not my month. But I'll be a good patient and start taking the endometrum progesterone tablets that have to be inserted vaginally. Awesome. Please let this week pass quickly so we can move on.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

our first (and last?) IUI

so i went into my monitoring appointment on friday primed to hear good news. I'd gotten a positive opk the day before and just knew things were going to start lining up. I got the call from the nurse later that day saying to give myself the trigger shot that night between 6-8PM and we scheduled the IUI for sunday morning (at the ungodly hour of 7:30AM).

we cancelled our trip to KY and triggered on friday night. Saturday i woke up feeling awful. I'd had a cold the last few days but this was just really bad. Plus the trigger left me feeling a kind of seasick nausea and extreme fatigue. I argued back and forth about whether or not I should try and treat what i thought was turning into the flu or hold off and hope it passes. I did the 'ol infertile "what will screw up implantation less?" debate and ultimately decided that the embryo wouldn't be implanting for another 7 days which gives me enough to time to have the infection gone and be finishing a course of antibiotics. I called my RE office and they said anything labled "class B" was safe for pregnancy.

my primary care doc (whom I've never met because by the time i get done with midwives, obgyns, and REs i'm basically doctored-out) isn't in on weekends so i went to one of those walgreens walk-in clinics. she told me i had a tonsil infection and strep throat, prescribed penecillin and sent me on my way.

sunday i woke up with a few hives, chalked it up to stress and took a benedryl. we got to the office at 7:15 and since it was sunday only one nurse was there (the one who'd be performing our IUI). Hubs got sent to the masterbatorium and i waited outside with a magazine. about a half hour later he called from the room and asked me to come in.

the room was basically set up to be every 14 year old boy's dream. loveseat, stacks of all kinds of porn and a TV/DVD combo. I could tell hubs was on the edge and quickly loosing it. "i don't think i can do this" he said... i spent some time trying to "help" him, but it just wasn't happening. too much pressure. i went out and asked the nurse if there were any hotel/motels around where hubs could take his time and de-stress a little. she pointed us in the direction of a Red Roof about 10 minutes away. "about how long do you think you'll be gone?" she asked. "umm, i hope not more than an hour." I answered. "Ok, because i'm only here for this, which is fine, but if it isn't going to work i need to know sooner rather than later." she said. geeze, way to take the pressure off lady...

so we drove to the red roof and hubs chillaxed for a minute before retreating to the bathroom to take a shower. i frantically started messaging my best friend on babycenter, "i'm in a hotel room praying my husband can masterbate so we can do an IUI today." she was very cool about the whole thing and we were all relived when hubs came out ten minutes later with a cup of jizz (which basically cost $59 since we needed the hotel room to get it and spent a grand total of 30 minutes in there). the count was great (109 million!) so it was worth every penny.

the actual procedure was so quick it was ridiculous. speculum, short jolt, over. then she put on some romantic music over the loadspeaker and left us in there for 20 minutes. hubs was so relaxed and happy. a little too affectionate and hopeful, but it was nice.

we had breakfast at the cracker barrell afterwards and spent the rest of the day relaxing and hanging out. there are worse ways to spend a sunday... wish me luck

Saturday, February 19, 2011

hahahahaha! really?

I just got out of one of those Walgreens take care clinics. I have strep A and a tonsil infection.

Seriously? Seriously?

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!?! Is the universe working against me.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Trigger Shot!

gave myself a 20,000iu trigger shot tonight. i was so nervous i kept sticking in the needle a little bit and then pulling it out. hubs was getting frustrated and kept saying "just let me help you" but eventually i just jammed it in there. it was so surreal because it didn't hurt and i just looked at it sticking out of me for a few second before i pushed down the plunger.

it didn't hurt at all going in, but man did it sting for the next few days. ouch! like a beesting or something, plus i got this big raised red welt.

also, i didn't expect to feel so gross afterwards. i got super nauseous and exhausted. i kept thinking "why are these side effects so bad?" then i realized that when i was 6 weeks pregnant my hcg measured 10,000 and i just injected 20,000 into myself. oh, duh, that's like being 10 -12 weeks pregnant. no wonder i felt so awful.

a metaphor

Ok, in case you can't tell by my page and profile name, i have a thing with trees. I don't know why. I'm not much of an environmentalist (i barely remember to recycle) or a naturalist (i love my girly material stuff), i just feel this appreciation for a good tree symbol. I come from a really big family and everyone lives in the same city and we're all in each other's lives and business. and in my angsty youth i had all these plans to move away and plant somewhere else. but i grew up. and i realized that i can be my own person and grow upward even though i'm planted.

after my miscarriage i was comforted by the image of a blooming tree, all branched out and reaching upward. some branches are short and thin and some are fat and big and supportive. i don't know, i realize i sound like a total hippie. i just get a lot of comfort from the cycle of nature and believing that everything blooms and fades. it's sort of my religion, where some people would quote the bible verse "to everything there is a season" i would look at pictures of fat blooming trees heavy with ripe fruit and know that i would get there again.

anyway, that's all back story.

this morning at my monitoring appointment the tech was "wanding me" and i was telling her about what dr. morris said, that my hormones are high enough to produce follicles and we probably can't see them because of my weight. she said that was crazy that she could see my ovaries, but the problem was that one ovary  (my right) goes up and out and the other (my left) hangs down. so she can see my left easily, but my right one is up in my abdomen and "it's a close knit family in there." so she's possibly missing a follicle, but it's not due to my size. though she maybe have been being nice (she swears she wasn't).

while she wanding me she starts hmm-ing and huh-ing and i immediately think something's wrong. "what?" i asked, "is there a cyst?"

"i want you to look at the screen" she said and pointed it towards me. she waved the wand back and forth inside of me. "you see that funnel in the middle? that's your uterus. and you see those two dark circles on either side of it? those are your ovaries."

"but i thought one went up and the other went down?" i said

"try and think of your reproductive system as a tree" she said "your fallopian tubes are like branches and your ovaries are like fruit on the end. when your ovary gets heavy with a big follicle it falls a little, the same way a weighted branch would. now they're right next to each other and front and center. now we can easily see everything."

it was a beautiful metaphor. and it made perfect sense to me.

by the way, these are our wedding rings.
i wasn't kidding about the tree thing.


I have one 18mm follicle! I DO ovulate on my own! Yay me and my old lady ovaries!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

wait! what's this??

I just got a positive opk? Wtf?
Is there still time? I'm on cd18

updated stats

follicular ultrasound shows 7 follicles (i had to push the tech to look for them, intially she only saw 5)
5 on right measuring 5.4mm, 4mm, 5.65mm, 4.5mm, 4.5mm
2 on left measuring 8.6mm and 5.6mm
LH: 3.77
FSH: 3.86
P4 1.29
E2 68.2
endo 8.4

follicular ultrasound shows 4 follicles
1 on rt side measuring 8.3
3 on left measuring 8.5, 6.5, 9.65
E2: 71
LH: 6.36
endo thickness: 7.7

Follicles: R- 5.25, 4.1
              L- 4.9, 5.35, 4.9, 7.6
E2: 118
LH: 8.47
endo: 11.3

Follicles: R- 5.5, 4.5
              L- 6.05, 5.9, 9.5
E2: 124
LH: 9.31
P4: 1.38
endo: 10.7

Oh, and guess what... my TSH from CD 17 is 4.53. But of course there's no relation between being hypothyroid and not ovulating...

UPDATE CD19 - triggered
L ovary 6.25, 6
R ovary 17.55
E2 106
LH 21.1
P4 1.32
ENDO 11.8

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

well that settles it

Just received a reply from my RE. Faster than I expected. I will C&P it here later when I'm not on my phone.

Here's the gist of it: Your estrogen is rising and I'm not giving up on this cycle yet so I think we should just focus on this protocol. Because of your age I am uncomfortable being more aggressive at this time, if ovulation is not confirmed then we can discuss the possibility of clomid, but I am unwilling to look at injectibles at this time because of the high risk of multiples in your age group. It is more than likely that you are preparing to ovulate, but we are just unable to visualize it on ultrasound because of your weight.

OK, if the problem is my weight I will acknowledge that. But he and Lisa (the ultrasound tech) are telling me 2 different things. She says she has no problem visualizing my ovaries and that weight is not a problem with transvaginal ultrasound, only with abdominal. In fact when I mentioned it to her she thought it was ridiculous. So they need to get their stories straight. Also, nothing more aggressive than clomid and iui?!?!? I could've done that with my obgyn.

Looks like we start looking for a new RE after this cycle.

the blind leading the blind

So obviously my day 15 monitoring didn't go very well. Although my estrogen and LH are rising my follicles are simply not developing. Which begs the question is just this cycle annovulatory or have all my post-mc cycles been annovulatory? Have we been trying in vain?

The irritating thing about this whole process is that I thought it would give me more control over things but it's taken what little control I had away. I called in december on CD3 and that was too late to begin treatment, so i got my hsg and waited til january. i called on CD 1 on jan 2nd and they wanted to do a monitoring cycle. ok so i did that. i called on cd 1 on jan.31 and they wanted to do a a natural IUI since it looked like I was ovulating on my own. Well, here we are 3 months into treatment with our RE and fucking nothing. Last cycle they told me I had so few follicles it indicated premature ovarian failure. Luckily my AMH and FSH proved that was not the case. This cycle the ultrasound tech told me that I have so many small follicles that my ovaries look poly-cystic. I asked her what that meant considering last cycle she reported I had 5 antral follicles. She said, you don't have the standard "string of pearls" that indicates PCOS, but there are just so many tiny follicles it looks like some PCOs i look at."

WHAT THE FUCK? how do i go from such a low follicle count that i could have premature ovarian failure to i have so many follicles that i could have PCOS? in one cycle?

so today the nurse calls and tells me that they still don't know whats up, my follicles still aren't growing, but my estridol and LH are rising so they don't understand why my follicles aren't corresponding with my hormones. so then i said, i don't normally have cycles longer than 29 days and since it's looking like this cycle will be annovulatory we are eager to have a protocol in place for next cycle so we don't have to sit another cycle out. then she says that we don't want to make any plans for next cycle since this one isn't over yet and they aren't sure whats going on. OK, but if this doesn't work then what? am i just shit out of luck for next cycle? I made it very clear that i had no intention of sitting out another cycle and that i was eager to have our next step all lined up.

so then the nurse says that they won't know what our next step should be until they know why this cycle didn't pan out. she then suggested that with poor follicle growth like this that injectibles would likely be the next step and that requires a fair amount of time because they have to order meds and teach me how to use them so we probably couldn't start that next cycle. so then i said, well why can't we order then now and teach me how to use them now so that when my next cycle rolls around we're all set. she seemed frustrated by my pushing and said she'd leave a note for my doctor.

Is this normal?

Hubs said something interesting the other night, that we took this path to finally get some questions answered and it really feels like instead of getting some answers we actually have more questions and less answers.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

wtf is wrong with people

Ugh! I am so frustrated. I simply do not understand why people have to be so ignorant. I lurk on this miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss group and I seriously just saw something that astounded me. Someone actually posted pictures of their "rainbow" baby all dressed up as a Cupid for valentines day. On a site where women go to grieve for their dead children she decided to post pictures of her baby?!?! Are you fucking serious?!?! That's just so cruel. I don't understand why people do this.

I run a group for TTC after miscarriage and it seriously seems like pregnant women are constantly coming on there to ask questions about their pregnancy. I understand that BBC is a big place and its easy to get disoriented and post something in the wrong place, but wheni point them in the direction of a group for pregnancy after loss they get all self-righteous and defend their right to post here. Its infuriating. I wish I could be like some of the tougher GOs and just lock the thread. Maybe I should do that.

Recently one of my friends on BBC got pregnant. I was following her IF journey blog on here and was shocked when I logged in a few days ago and saw that she'd deleted all the entries about IF and was now acting like all of that never happened and she was just keeping a baby blog. I don't get it. Is infertility really that shameful? Are you really going to act like you can erase all the pain of TTC?

Has the whole world gone fertile crazy?

Monday, February 14, 2011

goodbye valentine's day

How many holidays can we possible ruin in one year? Lets see... on Halloween we were told we were losing our baby and that pretty much laid ruin to Tday and xmas. Hmmm, what else? I started my period on new years eve, that sucked. Now here we are on Valentine's day. The most romantic day of the year and instead of doing an IUI I'm coming to terms with the fact that I likely can't and won't ovulate and so this cycle is a bust. To say I'm disappointed is an understatement. What now?

I had eggs growing last week. What happened? It is possible I ovulated quickly in the last 7 days and we missed it, but that's no big comfort either considering we weren't doing much BD, because we expected to have an IUI.

At this point there are more questions than answers. And instead of having a romantic evening with my husband, I feel like getting into bed and sleeping for a week.

I went to the mall a few days ago and was browsing in old navy. Of course I wandered over to the baby section and starting torturing myself. I was feeling pretty healthy emotionally that day and so I barely flinched when I saw their new spring onesies with astrological signs on them. Gemini. Our baby. The last ultrasound when I said "it better be a Gemini, if it comes out a Taurus i'll just have to push it back it" and we all laughed. I recognized the feeling of disappointment and let myself be sad for a minute. I was all proud of myself for not breaking down and then I saw the rest of the onesies on display - all cute with colorful astrological signs. And it hit me: we've been trying so long that we've had a due date in every month now, we've covered all the signs. it was like a punch in the gut. 2 years. 24 different due dates. 8 seasons. Too many holidays...

Thursday, February 10, 2011

a little hopeful, a little sad

I had a resolve meeting last night and it was amazing. i was so glad to be there and everyone was so nice and i got validation for all the things i've been thinking about my RE and our journey and all that.

i've been thinking about something, and i don't know how to write it down or how to phrase it... part of making all these infertile connections is scary. i don't want to enjoy my infertility. i don't want to invite it in and pour it some lemonade and give it a comfy chair. i don't want to make peace with it. i want to ignore it and hope it goes away.

on the one hand i'm so grateful to be meeting so many people going through the same thing because i was so lonely facing this on my own. i just became group owner of the ttc after miscarriage group on babycenter and there are over 2000 members going through the same thing as me. i've been talking to so many of you out in blogosphere and following your journey and rooting for you. I find myself actively thinking about your egg retrivals and embryo transfers and i've never even met you. i even met with 2 women from my support group online. my husband and i go to the organized Resolve group once a month. we've literally found a whole new support network. and these people are wonderful! they understand what we're going through and have similar problems. it's so nice to have that.

but on the other hand, am i getting too comfortable with my infertility?

and what happens when i get pregnant? or you do?

I've been reading up on "survivors guilt" and how much it affects people. i know the last time i got pregnant there was a certain feeling of, well, freefalling. My young twenty-something friends were disappointed that i couldn't drink and party with them, my married friends were either uncomfortable because they hadn't started trying yet, or envious because trying was turning out to be harder than they thought. in one fell swoop hubs and i got everything we wanted and lost everyone we had. later when we were grappling with our loss and totally devastated it continued to shock and infuriate me just how little my friends seems to care. that was when we joined resolve and started actively looking for new friends.

it's working, little by little. there's a couple in our centergy class that is really chatty. and a few girls online i talk to and occationally meet. and i'm grateful for that. because now the time i do spend with my other friends isn't so tense and awkward. i'm not thinking, "you couldn't even call me after i lost the baby?" and they're not thinking "you're a psycho, why don't you just relax about this whole getting pregnant thing?" now i don't have all this pent-up stuff and questions about follicle counts and E2 levels so when they ask "what's going on?" i don't have to explain complicated blood tests and ART procedures to them, i can just say, "nothing yet- we're waiting to get my IUI next week" and leave it at that.

So yesterday i got to talk about my RE and ask questions about why he'd be making us do an unmedicated IUI and compare notes on progesterone (PIO versus suppositories) and follicle size. And now this weekend i'm going dancing with my old friend marge on saturday and bowling with my other friend and her new fiance on sunday. and i might make it through both events without wondering how this beer is effecting my estrogen and whether or not my frineds think i've gone off the deep end.

but then what? yesterday one of the women at group said, "whenever people don't come to a meeting i always feel a little hopeful and also a little sad. hopeful that they finally made it through and sad because i lost a friend."

i wish i could start a network for pregnancy after infertility and loss. none of us are ever going to be like those other women, instead of feeling excited i expect to feel more battle weary, more cynical. i will lose so much of the support i've come to rely on. and i know one month when i don't show up for group no one will mention me but everyone will feel a little hopeful, and a little sad. what they don't know is that i'll be feeling the same way.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

infertiles are desperate

My horoscope today just cheered me up way too much to convince the blogosphere that I'm a rational adult. I'll cling to any hope I can...

Capricorn Feb 8 2011
If your days have been challenging lately, if your mood has been gloomy and somewhat pessimistic, have faith because all that is about to change for the better. The cosmic forecast for your sign shows that the dark clouds will soon part and the sun will come shining through, with very little chance of conflict or difficulty. Smile, Capricorn. You've been through the worst of the storm. The beginning of this year may not have been the very best for you, but it's all about to become significantly better.
Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope.


 follicular ultrasound shows 7 follicles (i had to push the tech to look for them, intially she only saw 5)
5 on right side measuring 5.4mm, 4mm, 5.65mm, 4.5mm, 4.5mm
2 on left measuring 8.6mm and 5.6mm
LH: 3.77
FSH: 3.86
P4 1.29
E2 68.2
endo 8.4

follicular ultrasound shows 4 follicles
1 on rt side measuring 8.3
3 on left measuring 8.5, 6.5, 9.65
E2: 71
LH: 6.36
endo thickness: 7.7

talked to nurse who says it isn't over yet. my E2 is steadily increasing as well as my LH. my follicles are going slow and steady, but are not really demonstrating growth yet. (we will trigger when they get to 18mm).

next appointment is CD15 Valentines day. how romantic....

cd9... and emoting

so i had a total meltdown on my mom over the weekend. ended up telling her everything about the iui and how scared i am and the losses and support groups. it was like i had verbal diarrhea. i think i spooked her a little bit. the hardest part (well, one of many hard parts) about losing the past pregnancy was that it pushed us out of the closet, infertility wise. with the others i'd see a positive test and get my period before i even got used to the idea. the first one was so uprupt i hadn't even told my husband, i was still nurturing "surprise" ideas. with the second he said "i don't think it counts if it's a faint line" and i got so mad that i blamed him when i got my period 4 days later (after peeing on about 100 pregnancy tests. and yup, they ALL had that second line). this time i rushed into my OBGYN as soon as i saw that line, i was starting to think i was crazy! i told her my period was late despite the fact that i was actually only on CD25 (4 days early) and when she told me my hcg was 23 i started sobbing. finally! validation! now pass the progesterone. i guess i thought that once we made it past the previous "danger zones" we'd be ok. when i saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks the OB said the risk of miscarriage went waaaayyyy down. so we basically told everyone. now everyone knows we're trying to have a baby.

i'm just feeling so low. i don't understand why this is happening. there are people who miss a pill and get pregnant. who break a condom and get pregnant. and here we are: 2 years of perfectly timed intercourse and nothing to show for it. it's staggering.

anyway, so my mom, after hearing all that says, "maybe you just need a time out, just relax and take care of yourself for a little while..."

ARGGGHHH. are you fucking serious? the woman who had TEN children (TEN!) is telling me to relax. my dad sneezed and she got pregnant and she wants to tell me about fertility methods... i don't know why i even bothered. i know she didn't mean it that way, and i'm trying to hold on her *intent* which was to empathize and make me feel better. she just wanted to say something and it's not really her fault that she has no frame of reference for this...

i swear, i'm starting to feel like a battered woman- all the justifications i make for people who say shitty things,"but he/she didn't mean it!" and "you don't know her like i do!" and the kicker "it's my fault! i shouldn't have pushed it!"

sheesh. to add to the cry-a-thon i'm a total basketcase this month. what the fuck is going on with my hormones? i'm trying to do some self-analysis and i get that all this ART is forcing me to confront the feelings of loss i kept buried, but this is too much. i cry at everything. trying this hard to have a baby has me constantly terrified. what if it works? what if it doesn't? which is worse? why couldn't i make my last pregnancy work? what the fuck is wrong with my death star uterus??!!

i got a massage on saturday and basically cried my way through it. she told me i was holding so much tension in my shoulders and neck, she really had to work it out. it was my first massage and the fact that i was full on sobbing was more mortifying than i could have ever imagined. she kept saying "its ok to let it out. our muscles hold on to grief. let it out" and i just got snot all over her table. so gross.

i know i write on here about crying all the time, but i almost never cry in front of people. in fact, my best friend that i've had for 20 years has only seen me cry about 3 times. ever. i really dislike emoting in public. so the fact that i lost control at that massage has me convinced i will probably never get another one. i usually save those displays for my car and the shower...

oh! and i got acupuncture yesterday. it was ok. i'm not a believer yet, let's just say that.

my Resolve meeting got rescheduled for tomorrow (it was cancelled due to the blizzard last week) and i'm thrilled. i know that sounds so lame, but talking to other people going through the same thing keeps me afloat. it will be nice to get some of this stuff off my chest and bounce some ideas off other infertiles. i feel like my RE is being an asshole and i want to know at what point do i switch? here i am on CD9 with no dominant follicle and he still thinks a natural iui is the answer to my problems... grrrr.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

no way

I had a dream last night I was on the March birthboard on babycenter. God, Buddha, divine Goddess, I seriously *cannot* wait that long. Don't yank my chain on this...

Friday, February 4, 2011

eventually. and pondering the "journey"

You know how when you first fall in love and you're all gooey and sappy? and every single song you hear reminds you of your love and being in love? and so you just listen to the radio and cry and laugh? infertility does the same thing, only instead of being happy and gooey you're constantly devastated and weeping for no apparent reason.

you listen to songs that aren't even about babies or marriage or children or family and you think, "oh my god! that perfectly describes my situation!" and then you sing along and occationally stop to let out a sob.

it's embarassing for sure. when i was pregnant every single time i heard that shania twain song, "you're still the one" i would completely break down. even typing that i just got choked up. something about that song made me just start sobbing. that whole "i'm so glad we made it, look how far we've come..." does it to me every time. and now because i've miscarried and that song reminds me of being pregnant it's like a double whammy. i just can't not cry.

the elliott smith song Pitseleh. actually any elliott smith song will pretty much have me in tears.


and don't even get me started on the disney/pixar movie Up. i can't even watch it. last summer we went to see it when they had this outdoor movie in park thing and i just totally broke down. so humiliating.

I must admit the car really gets the brunt of my emotional outbursts. i have my music and i'm usually alone. it's a breeding ground for emotional outburts, really. i can only imagine what other cars are thinking as they pass me.

i have this friend who just got pregnant after years and years of infertility. they weren't preventing for the better part of a decade and actively trying for about 2 years. my advice to her when she started fertility treatments was to go shopping for baby stuff. in my opinion it really helps to keep your eye on the prize and remember that the end result is a baby, not a pregnancy. there's this pervasive idea that buying any "baby" stuff before you get pregnant is going to "jinx" the outcome. i really think it's a mistake to think that way. when you're going through all these treatments and getting all these procedures, as counter-intuitive as it sounds, it's easy to forget that the goal is NOT to "fix" yourself, it's not just medical treatment, the goal is to bring home a baby in 9 months. the journey isn't over once you see that second pink line. no way. that's actually when the shit really hits the fan and the stakes go up about 1000%

so my friend, one of my dearest and best friends despite the fact that she completely cut me off when i got pregnant, thought i was being ridiculous and thought that buying anything or doing anything to "prepare" for having a baby was silly and a jinx and then, after her second iui with injectibles got her BFP! it was so exciting! for about a week. then she freaked out. she became so anxious she could hardly function. always more natural and "crunchy" she ridiculed women who got first trimester ultrasounds, claimed they caused autism, and swore she'd be some kind of natural earth momma goddess. well, at 8 weeks she's had 3 ultrasounds (convinced the baby was dead) and is now on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. i feel so bad for her that every time i think about it i cry.

here we are on this journey to conceive. and we all think that we'll get that second line and it'll be smooth sailing from there. but it never is.

we all think we're going to be so earthy and natural, and get one of those glorious baby bellies, and feel so wholesome and majestic. we never take into account how much we'll probably be puking. or, for instance the toll hormones take. i'm normally really easygoing in my marriage but for some reason i got crazy jealous of any female that even talked to my husband when i was pregnant. i felt all "used up" for lack of a better phrase. i became convinced that now that i was lazy and sick and fat and acne ridden he was going to leave me for some young girl who'd do shots with him at the bar. no amount of logic or sensitively could convince me otherwise. my husband claimed that the opposite was true for me, he never felt more secure in our marriage or completely focused on me and my needs. he liked being "needed" and couldn't understand why i became convinced he was going to leave me.

anyway, i know i'm totally rambling.

i just sometimes feel the need to ground myself. to remember that pregnancy isn't the end, that if this IUI doesn't work it won't be the end of our journey. and that if it does work it won't be the end of our journey. i'll change paths, get a whole bunch of new things to obsess over. but we're going to bring home a baby. one way or another. eventually we're going to get our baby.


i had a very interesting dream last night. i can't remember the whole thing but i do remember i was introducing my daughter to someone or telling someone about my daughter and i was explaining that we named her Mae to honor the baby we lost that was due in May... interesting. I don't even think i like that name. it certainly doesn't go with any of the first names we've picked out and it sort of "country-izes" everything you add it to. Mercy Mae? Lila Mae? Rebecca Mae?

i also dreamt that i was in a house and i was sort of exploring and it was being remodeled. i went upstairs and saw there was this beautiful stained wood finish room that had these gorgeous looking cribs. I know that when you dream of a house it represents your body and how you feel in your body, so maybe if i dream that my "house" is being remodeled and has new baby furniture it means that my body is getting ready to have a baby? interesting...

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


this is the road i took home from my doctor's appointment (yesterday) 3 hours later...

this is me: (this morning)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


Here I am at freaking 900 n Michigan Ave for my 6am monitoring appointment during one of the worst blizzards. Of the DECADE.