rough day

I am having a really bad day.

I woke up and POAS with high hopes that we'd be rescued from ART, IUIs, and REs with the tenuous show of a second line. But it was not to be. I know it's still early, i know we may still pull it off, but i also know it isn't going to happen. and i'm devastated.

I'm staring down the barrel of infertility treatments and i'm terrified. i don't know how to handle this.

I scared that I'll never get pregnant again, that we lost our one chance at being parents, and i keep playing and replaying those 11 weeks over and over in mind. was it the exercise? the sex? the bologna cravings? what was it? there has to be an answer. there must have been something i did or didn't do. i'm tired of hearing that it was just a fluke. i know something went wrong. and i just want to rewind and go back. i feel like if i had another chance i would do it right.

i don't feel like myself. ttc consumes me and i know that isn't healthy. all i can think about is getting pregnant again. i feel isolated and boring. i don't even recognize myself anymore.

the worst part is all the progesterone symptoms stacked up on top of each other: nausea, swollen boobs, backache. they should give me some hope, some feeling like a bfp is right around the corner, but i know that isn't the case. i know i can't trust my body anymore and i know that i can no longer trust how i feel. science and emotions don't mix.