Thursday, January 27, 2011

looking forward

ok, i'm feeling much better. it sucks when my blog entry from the day before is so pitiful that i'm tempted to delete it. i guess it's good to leave it for posterity, this isn't all sunshine and roses.

i think it's bad thing that this cycle isn't over and i'm already psyched for my next cycle. i'm trying to not get the buildup going because when you start ART the let down is bad enough without all the amped up feelings of "yes! everything's perfect!" I got the phone call from my insurance who uses their own pharmacy for infertility meds (get this, the name is winfertility. i kid you not. win-infertility? win-fertility? how did they come up with that, it's pitiful) and the total for 20 PIO injections (a precaution my dr. ordered), 16 Endometrum suppositories (again, a progesterone precaution, please if there's any sort of god do NOT make me use the PIO) and 2 hCG trigger shots is, get this, $15. Amazeballs! i told hubs today, "i don't care if you have to start having sex with your boss (a huge south african man) we cannot lose this insurance." thank goddess for small bits of good news, right?

so, if i get my AF right on schedule this month then i should O right on valentines day. how romantic. one day we'll be able to tell our little precious about the day that daddy crouched in a dark room watching porn and jizzing in a cup while mommy waited anxiously with her legs in stirrups and a hose through her vag. siiiiggghhh, l'amore.

also, our due date would be 11/11/11. neato huh?

i know, i need to stop all this planning. it's just an IUI, it's not a guarantee.

can you tell i've been thinking way too much about this? last night i had this amazing dream (i know, boooring) that i was watching this concert at the beach. a old man who looked like james earl jones was playing a ukulele on the shore and behind him was this huge ocean and the most amazing full moon. i'm still trying to look up what it means. i'm going to take it as a good omen though. especially because we were watching from this sort of pier that jutted out and at first i was freaking out about falling over the edge and then when i looked over the side i saw it wasn't a bad fall, maybe 10 or 12 ft and then i felt so much better. it really was a great dream.

seems like all my dreams are related to fertility. every time i look anything up it's always a fertility symbol. the other night i dreamed about two fishtanks, one had this huge gross eels and the other had these cute little guppies... don't need an interpretator to tell me it's phallic and spermy...

also, one last thing, i think i'm going to delete my facebook this weekend. i'm tired of having this faux support network. i don't really have 300 friends, i have a few that i talk to on the phone regularly and don't need facebook to communicate with. it freaks me out to have these "friends" who know nothing about my life or what we're going through and it's starting to make me feel like i have a split personality, constantly posting all these bright and chipper updates. i'm not bright and chipper right now, i'm miserable, surly and boring... we'll see how that goes.

today's my five year anniversary of my first date with my husband. he's amazing!
here's a pic of us on our wedding day:


  1. I love your blog. I am going through infertility and will be going to the art program on Monday for the first time. It is so great to know that all the crazy and mixed up feelings I have, are not only mine and someone else knows how I feel. Thank you so much for the laughs and resurrance that I'm not crazy!

  2. Aww, that's so sweet! You just made my day :)
    Thanks for reading and commenting, its nice to get a little solidarity from someone going through the same thing. Good luck next cycle, keep me posted!