Last Night

we made it through of first post-mc cycle of "babymaking." it was kind of hard on us, and forced us to deal with a lot of questions we had and some buried grief. it was the winter solstice yesterday and we were in good spirits so we decided to go out to eat. i've been kind of bad about going out lately. i feel really isolated and it's been difficult to pull it together and get dressed and make myself look presentable to the outside world. i'm so unhappy i almost want it to show, i want to look terrible and have bags under my eyes and greasy hair. i want people to look at me and think, "wow! something terrible must have happened to her!" and because of that i'm finding it hard to do normal things like get dressed and take showers and wear makeup. but yesterday i was feeling somewhat hopeful. i don't really have a "religion" but i'm a big believer in the synchronicity of nature. it was solstice. a season was ending and a new one was starting and it made me feel like things were changing for me too, that the season of grieving was coming to an end.

hubs picked me up from work and we decided on thai food. there's a place sort of close to our house that has great stuff, and the staff is really friendly so it's kind of our go-to. when we got there everything was going great. hubs and i were joking around and i said some teasing stuff about having non-procreating sex later. just as our entrees were placed on our table, the waitress sat a group of four girls next to us. they were all "sex and the city" cute and jokey and close and it made me miss my girlfriends a little, but it was no big thing. then the 5th girl walked in and everyone was so glad to see her. "so, are you fat yet?" one of them said. and as she took off her coat i saw she had a little baby bump.

ok, i thought, i can do this. you never know what she's been through. maybe it took 5 ivf treatments and 3 miscarriages to get that pregnancy...

i tried to tune out there conversation but pieces of it kept breaking in. her friends were all gushy over her and she was talking about hearing the heartbeat and not being able to see the sex organs in the ultrasound.

at this point i becamse flustered. if they're trying to find out the sex she must be due right around when i was. my eyes kept filling with tears and my husband asked for the check. i kept my head down and started messing with my phone.

then the hammer fell: she got her anatomy scan on monday. when i was supposed to have mine. i got all panicky. they started talking about how she's halfway done and how the baby looked on the scan. it was too much. i pulled my coat on and ran to the car.

after my husband paid the check he got in and i was full on sobbing. i couldn't even catch my breath. "what were they saying?" he asked.

"that's supposed to be me!" i screamed. i was screaming so loud it was like i was erupting. "that was MY scan!" "those are supposed to be MY FUCKING friends" "THAT IS MY LIFE AND SHE STOLE IT"

i know it sounds crazy.

for the past week or so i've been toying with the "alternative reality." you know: what would we be doing? what would it have been? how would we tell the family? i've been picturing our life, obsessing, really. i can't focus on anything else. so there i am, thinking constantly about that scan and this alternate ending we could have had. and then, as if that wasn't bad enough, we have to have dinner with her? our alternate life has to sit next to us?! really?!

what a hard night. i'm just feeling so sorry for myself. i didn't just lose the baby, i lost everything. there must be a specific smell attached to my unhappiness, my despair must stink because everyone i used to know avoids me now. i lost all my girlfriends. they have no concept of how painful this is, or what my life is like now and i can't just go back to partying and bitching about our significant others. i can't stand my husband's family. they just turn the screws and are confused about why it's taking so long to get over this. i don't enjoy having sex anymore, not like i used to. it's really like i've lost everything. i lost myself.

and there the universe is, kicking me while i'm down. making sure my alternate self is sitting next to my giggling with her frineds about MY anatomy scan. it's so unreal. if this were a movie version of my life i would never believe it. i'd say "that's too much! in a city of 6 million people? such heavy handed irony..." and then i'd flip the channel. but it is real. there is no alternative reality, and we have no baby anymore.