well, today i turned 27. hubs and i decided we weren't going to make a big deal about xmas and expect nothing and actually that turned out to be the best course of action. when you don't have any expectations every small victory feels extraordinary.
we had xmas eve with my extended family last night and i must say, that was pretty brutal. my cousin/godmother and i were due on the same day and so seeing her with a cute baby bump and announcing the sex hit too close to home. it's their first to, so hearing everyone congratulate them and offer advice and shake "daddy's" hand was super hard on my husband. he took more than a few walks to cool off. when she first got pregnant and called me i thought it would be so amazing to have our babies together and have a pregnancy buddy, but it has turned into some kind of nightmare. i got choked up a few times and she never even brought it up to me or said "sorry about your baby" or anything. she totally didn't even acknowledge it.
then we went to midnight mass with my brothers and hubs started crying and had to leave.
today (xmas and my bday) was not so bad though. our expectations were low so we just kind of coasted through it (and got some nice gifts).
i've been thinking about our wedding day a lot for some reason. it was in june and our reception was planned for outdoors in the gardens and i refused to believe it could rain. everyone kept pressing me to get a tent and i really didn't want to. "but what if it rains?" they kept saying. "it just can't" i answered. of course my mom finally overrode me and ordered a big tent and of course it did rain, briefly, in the afternoon.
i'm starting to think that that sums up my whole appraoch to life. that if i'm strong willed enough i can bend my environment to my will. of course it never works that way. in being "strong" i think i've inadvertantly turned myself to stone and now slowly the world is chipping away at me because i am unmalleable. i need to try and soften my ideals and myself so that instead of being "chipped away" i can be reshaped; that instead of losing pieces of myself i can simply soften and readjust. and maybe that's what the universe has been trying to show me all along, i can't always do it my way- i'm not in control and i can either be chisled or molded...