a little hopeful, a little sad

I had a resolve meeting last night and it was amazing. i was so glad to be there and everyone was so nice and i got validation for all the things i've been thinking about my RE and our journey and all that.

i've been thinking about something, and i don't know how to write it down or how to phrase it... part of making all these infertile connections is scary. i don't want to enjoy my infertility. i don't want to invite it in and pour it some lemonade and give it a comfy chair. i don't want to make peace with it. i want to ignore it and hope it goes away.

on the one hand i'm so grateful to be meeting so many people going through the same thing because i was so lonely facing this on my own. i just became group owner of the ttc after miscarriage group on babycenter and there are over 2000 members going through the same thing as me. i've been talking to so many of you out in blogosphere and following your journey and rooting for you. I find myself actively thinking about your egg retrivals and embryo transfers and i've never even met you. i even met with 2 women from my support group online. my husband and i go to the organized Resolve group once a month. we've literally found a whole new support network. and these people are wonderful! they understand what we're going through and have similar problems. it's so nice to have that.

but on the other hand, am i getting too comfortable with my infertility?

and what happens when i get pregnant? or you do?

I've been reading up on "survivors guilt" and how much it affects people. i know the last time i got pregnant there was a certain feeling of, well, freefalling. My young twenty-something friends were disappointed that i couldn't drink and party with them, my married friends were either uncomfortable because they hadn't started trying yet, or envious because trying was turning out to be harder than they thought. in one fell swoop hubs and i got everything we wanted and lost everyone we had. later when we were grappling with our loss and totally devastated it continued to shock and infuriate me just how little my friends seems to care. that was when we joined resolve and started actively looking for new friends.

it's working, little by little. there's a couple in our centergy class that is really chatty. and a few girls online i talk to and occationally meet. and i'm grateful for that. because now the time i do spend with my other friends isn't so tense and awkward. i'm not thinking, "you couldn't even call me after i lost the baby?" and they're not thinking "you're a psycho, why don't you just relax about this whole getting pregnant thing?" now i don't have all this pent-up stuff and questions about follicle counts and E2 levels so when they ask "what's going on?" i don't have to explain complicated blood tests and ART procedures to them, i can just say, "nothing yet- we're waiting to get my IUI next week" and leave it at that.

So yesterday i got to talk about my RE and ask questions about why he'd be making us do an unmedicated IUI and compare notes on progesterone (PIO versus suppositories) and follicle size. And now this weekend i'm going dancing with my old friend marge on saturday and bowling with my other friend and her new fiance on sunday. and i might make it through both events without wondering how this beer is effecting my estrogen and whether or not my frineds think i've gone off the deep end.

but then what? yesterday one of the women at group said, "whenever people don't come to a meeting i always feel a little hopeful and also a little sad. hopeful that they finally made it through and sad because i lost a friend."

i wish i could start a network for pregnancy after infertility and loss. none of us are ever going to be like those other women, instead of feeling excited i expect to feel more battle weary, more cynical. i will lose so much of the support i've come to rely on. and i know one month when i don't show up for group no one will mention me but everyone will feel a little hopeful, and a little sad. what they don't know is that i'll be feeling the same way.