eventually. and pondering the "journey"

You know how when you first fall in love and you're all gooey and sappy? and every single song you hear reminds you of your love and being in love? and so you just listen to the radio and cry and laugh? infertility does the same thing, only instead of being happy and gooey you're constantly devastated and weeping for no apparent reason.

you listen to songs that aren't even about babies or marriage or children or family and you think, "oh my god! that perfectly describes my situation!" and then you sing along and occationally stop to let out a sob.

it's embarassing for sure. when i was pregnant every single time i heard that shania twain song, "you're still the one" i would completely break down. even typing that i just got choked up. something about that song made me just start sobbing. that whole "i'm so glad we made it, look how far we've come..." does it to me every time. and now because i've miscarried and that song reminds me of being pregnant it's like a double whammy. i just can't not cry.

the elliott smith song Pitseleh. actually any elliott smith song will pretty much have me in tears.

ugh.

and don't even get me started on the disney/pixar movie Up. i can't even watch it. last summer we went to see it when they had this outdoor movie in park thing and i just totally broke down. so humiliating.


I must admit the car really gets the brunt of my emotional outbursts. i have my music and i'm usually alone. it's a breeding ground for emotional outburts, really. i can only imagine what other cars are thinking as they pass me.

i have this friend who just got pregnant after years and years of infertility. they weren't preventing for the better part of a decade and actively trying for about 2 years. my advice to her when she started fertility treatments was to go shopping for baby stuff. in my opinion it really helps to keep your eye on the prize and remember that the end result is a baby, not a pregnancy. there's this pervasive idea that buying any "baby" stuff before you get pregnant is going to "jinx" the outcome. i really think it's a mistake to think that way. when you're going through all these treatments and getting all these procedures, as counter-intuitive as it sounds, it's easy to forget that the goal is NOT to "fix" yourself, it's not just medical treatment, the goal is to bring home a baby in 9 months. the journey isn't over once you see that second pink line. no way. that's actually when the shit really hits the fan and the stakes go up about 1000%

so my friend, one of my dearest and best friends despite the fact that she completely cut me off when i got pregnant, thought i was being ridiculous and thought that buying anything or doing anything to "prepare" for having a baby was silly and a jinx and then, after her second iui with injectibles got her BFP! it was so exciting! for about a week. then she freaked out. she became so anxious she could hardly function. always more natural and "crunchy" she ridiculed women who got first trimester ultrasounds, claimed they caused autism, and swore she'd be some kind of natural earth momma goddess. well, at 8 weeks she's had 3 ultrasounds (convinced the baby was dead) and is now on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. i feel so bad for her that every time i think about it i cry.

here we are on this journey to conceive. and we all think that we'll get that second line and it'll be smooth sailing from there. but it never is.

we all think we're going to be so earthy and natural, and get one of those glorious baby bellies, and feel so wholesome and majestic. we never take into account how much we'll probably be puking. or, for instance the toll hormones take. i'm normally really easygoing in my marriage but for some reason i got crazy jealous of any female that even talked to my husband when i was pregnant. i felt all "used up" for lack of a better phrase. i became convinced that now that i was lazy and sick and fat and acne ridden he was going to leave me for some young girl who'd do shots with him at the bar. no amount of logic or sensitively could convince me otherwise. my husband claimed that the opposite was true for me, he never felt more secure in our marriage or completely focused on me and my needs. he liked being "needed" and couldn't understand why i became convinced he was going to leave me.

anyway, i know i'm totally rambling.

i just sometimes feel the need to ground myself. to remember that pregnancy isn't the end, that if this IUI doesn't work it won't be the end of our journey. and that if it does work it won't be the end of our journey. i'll change paths, get a whole bunch of new things to obsess over. but we're going to bring home a baby. one way or another. eventually we're going to get our baby.