so i had a total meltdown on my mom over the weekend. ended up telling her everything about the iui and how scared i am and the losses and support groups. it was like i had verbal diarrhea. i think i spooked her a little bit. the hardest part (well, one of many hard parts) about losing the past pregnancy was that it pushed us out of the closet, infertility wise. with the others i'd see a positive test and get my period before i even got used to the idea. the first one was so uprupt i hadn't even told my husband, i was still nurturing "surprise" ideas. with the second he said "i don't think it counts if it's a faint line" and i got so mad that i blamed him when i got my period 4 days later (after peeing on about 100 pregnancy tests. and yup, they ALL had that second line). this time i rushed into my OBGYN as soon as i saw that line, i was starting to think i was crazy! i told her my period was late despite the fact that i was actually only on CD25 (4 days early) and when she told me my hcg was 23 i started sobbing. finally! validation! now pass the progesterone. i guess i thought that once we made it past the previous "danger zones" we'd be ok. when i saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks the OB said the risk of miscarriage went waaaayyyy down. so we basically told everyone. now everyone knows we're trying to have a baby.
i'm just feeling so low. i don't understand why this is happening. there are people who miss a pill and get pregnant. who break a condom and get pregnant. and here we are: 2 years of perfectly timed intercourse and nothing to show for it. it's staggering.
anyway, so my mom, after hearing all that says, "maybe you just need a time out, just relax and take care of yourself for a little while..."
ARGGGHHH. are you fucking serious? the woman who had TEN children (TEN!) is telling me to relax. my dad sneezed and she got pregnant and she wants to tell me about fertility methods... i don't know why i even bothered. i know she didn't mean it that way, and i'm trying to hold on her *intent* which was to empathize and make me feel better. she just wanted to say something and it's not really her fault that she has no frame of reference for this...
i swear, i'm starting to feel like a battered woman- all the justifications i make for people who say shitty things,"but he/she didn't mean it!" and "you don't know her like i do!" and the kicker "it's my fault! i shouldn't have pushed it!"
sheesh. to add to the cry-a-thon i'm a total basketcase this month. what the fuck is going on with my hormones? i'm trying to do some self-analysis and i get that all this ART is forcing me to confront the feelings of loss i kept buried, but this is too much. i cry at everything. trying this hard to have a baby has me constantly terrified. what if it works? what if it doesn't? which is worse? why couldn't i make my last pregnancy work? what the fuck is wrong with my death star uterus??!!
i got a massage on saturday and basically cried my way through it. she told me i was holding so much tension in my shoulders and neck, she really had to work it out. it was my first massage and the fact that i was full on sobbing was more mortifying than i could have ever imagined. she kept saying "its ok to let it out. our muscles hold on to grief. let it out" and i just got snot all over her table. so gross.
i know i write on here about crying all the time, but i almost never cry in front of people. in fact, my best friend that i've had for 20 years has only seen me cry about 3 times. ever. i really dislike emoting in public. so the fact that i lost control at that massage has me convinced i will probably never get another one. i usually save those displays for my car and the shower...
oh! and i got acupuncture yesterday. it was ok. i'm not a believer yet, let's just say that.
my Resolve meeting got rescheduled for tomorrow (it was cancelled due to the blizzard last week) and i'm thrilled. i know that sounds so lame, but talking to other people going through the same thing keeps me afloat. it will be nice to get some of this stuff off my chest and bounce some ideas off other infertiles. i feel like my RE is being an asshole and i want to know at what point do i switch? here i am on CD9 with no dominant follicle and he still thinks a natural iui is the answer to my problems... grrrr.