Tuesday, March 8, 2011

what to write...

i'm on cd3.

we're waiting for all our documents to be transferred from our old RE to our new RE. plus we have to wait for the referral to go through.

i'm kind of unclear about the etiquette of switching. i'm also afraid that we're leaving the devil we know for the one we don't. what if this RE is even worst than the last one? plus the new SART stats came out recently (for 2009) and our old RE has a much higher success rate than the one we're switching to. Is personality worth it? Also, what do we tell our old RE? do we owe them an explanation? I was checking out my husband's patient portal online and saw that he'd written dr. morris an angry letter demanding a treatment plan and specifics. it took dr morris a while to answer, but he did answer, and very cordially. he was well within his rights to totally call my husband an asshole for being so abrasive, but he took the time to write a very long and detailed reply. the fact that he did this has me questioning the entire switch. did i misjudge him?

what now? do i have to call them and tell them why i want my records faxed? or do i just go quietly?

this whole thing is turning out to be a lot more complicated than i thought. added to that is the inherent murkiness of unexplained infertility. there's no real reason why we aren't conceiving. i actually find myself jealous of women who have pcos and don't ovulate or have partners who don't make enough sperm. at least they have a reason and a clear problem to fix. i feel like all we can do is play guessing games and up the meds i don't really need. i also have this weird guilt that i don't know what to do with. there's nothing medically wrong with either of us, so maybe we're doing something wrong? or not relaxing enough? maybe this is a sign we're not meant to be parents... and even that thought isn't as terrifying as it once was, at least living childfree would get us off this rollercoaster.

what should our plan be? what do we do next? no amount of support groups or consultations can answer that. because there is no answer.


  1. I know you are feeling really lost right now, but I do think things will get better if you can find a doctor you and your husband both trust, and figure out your new plan of attack.

    Oh, and I don't want to hear any more of this, "maybe we aren't meant to be parents," jazz. There are many people in this world who should not reproduce, and you and your hubby are not among them. However you end up building your family, you will build it, and don't let anyone, not even your own grieving inner monologue, tell you differently!

    This will sound strange, but I think it is important to remember that half-starved crack addicts and women living in war zones still get pregnant (meaning, this isn't something you are doing to yourself or a lack of being able to relax enough).

    For some unknown reason, some trick of chance, something is happening that is making conceiving more difficult for both of us. We may not know what it is, but that doesn't mean we won't find a way to surmount it, whether that be through IUIs, IVF, acupuncture, adoption, or what have you. We will have our families, and this will all just seem like a forgotten nightmare.

    Oh, and I know what you mean about not knowing how to end your relationship with your former RE. I still haven't formerly ended mine. I figure they will call at some point, and I'll just say we've decided to pursue ART through another clinic, thanks, and good bye. I couldn't say that when I first left, but it seems easier now.

  2. I can only imagine how frustrating this is for you and your husband. Hang in there Grace.

  3. I just switched doctors too, and I believe personality is worth it, because that's when you are going to be most successful and when you feel the best you are most likely to get pregnant. If you feel like you have a "beef" for why you are leaving and want to write you RE's office and politely explain, I don't see anything wrong with that. I left a therapist once and always wished I would have written her and told her why.
    You can always switch back if for whatever reason you aren't successful/happy with the new RE.
    I'm actually opposite of you, I'm jealous of the people with unexplained infertility because I feel like they are the ones most likely to get pregnant naturally "when they stopped" trying kind of scenarios where I have a problem, try to fix it and still don't get preggo. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.
    I hope that you do well with your decision to switch doctors. It's hard at first but I think that it's worth a shot.

  4. I seriously started crying when i logged on and saw these comments. you are guys are the best and i can't believe the amount of support i'm getting on here. it's honestly sustaining me. i know my posts are really bitchy and down right now, but it's like i've hit rock bottom. it's reassuring in a way, there's no place to go but up. i keep telling myself, "this is the absolute lowest i can feel, it's bound to get better"

    it's just hard not to feel like there's something we're doing wrong, or not doing. nature is giving us the green light and somehow we're finding a way to fuck it up. it's like a riddle i can't solve, it just keeps going around and around in my brain.

    also, yesterday Sue the office manager from my old RE left me message asking me to call her. "we're disappointed that you're leaving us and we're curious to know how you made that decision." I still haven't decided if i'm going to return the call...

  5. Hi Grace - As I was reading this post, I was able to relate to every comment. This has got to be our lowest "low" and things can only get better from here. Yet, I keep saying to myself - I'm just not strong enough for this. Yet, we continue on day by day. I'm wishing you the best of luck with your new RE.

  6. I broke up with my RE this week! It was good, but hard. He understood - I told him I just feel more comfy with the new doctor having spoken w/ patients. He knows my new doctor (was his fave resident), so that was nice.

    And, you will be parents! There's nothing wrong that you did!

  7. Dear Grace- Honestly, I think we all have the same thoughts that you are having, I know I do. We tell ourselves it is silly to feel that we did something to deserve this etc., but then we go back in our heads and go back to those dark thoughts. So frustrating! You are your DH did nothing to deserve this, just like the rest of us. Just like the people that get cancer, lose a loved one, etc. We will never know why we were put on this path, but maybe we can find some reasons that make us feel better. Here's what I tell myself when I get to that dark place in my brain:
    1. I will appreciate/love/cherish the bad with the good/etc my child more than I would with out going though this, I wouldn't take things for granted that shouldn't be.
    2. This journey is making my relationship with my hubby stronger, more intense, more loving than it was (and it was wonderful before).
    3. This journey is making me re-think my priorities in life.
    4. I will be and am a stronger person because of this.
    5. This is our mountain to climb, everyone else has mountains to climb as well, some smaller and some higher, some with more emotional struggles than others, but everyone has a mountain and this is mine. I will climb it!

    I hope that doesn't sound really lame but honestly, it makes me feel better.

    Switching RE's is a good thing! Your old RE, wow, the stories you had, I would have switched and not looked back. Even if your old RE wrote a nice note, he obviously doesn't understand that every day, week, cycle we go though is an eternity and he needs to listen from the beginning, not when you get upset and are ready to leave. Find someone that is just as serious as you guys are about having a baby.

    Grace- you are a strong, amazing women and you will be a mother.

  8. Jos- Yay! here's to a fresh start!

    Laurel- that is so sweet of you to say, it's honestly making me all teary. I don't think it sounds lame at all, i have some pretty similar affirmations that keep me afloat when i start getting too down. thanks for being so supportive!