the underworld

in case you can't tell by the poem i posted yesterday, i am really feeling the myth of Orpheus. particularly the story of Orpheus and Eurydice, a married couple who love each other very much.

in the myth, Eurydice get bitten by a snake and dies and Orpheus is so overcome with grief that he decides to travel to the underworld and resue her.

everything seems to be going perfectly, Hades agrees that Orpheus can try and lead her out of the underworld, but under one condition: he must walk in front of her and not look back until they are both back in the upper world.

miracle of miracles Orpheus finds her down there! He sets off with Eurydice following, and, in his anxiety, as soon as he reaches the upper world, he turns to look at her, forgetting that both needed to be out and she vanishes for the second time, but now forever.

i'm trying to figure out why that particular myth is aching me these days. maybe it's because i feel like i'm going through hell right now, and my only way to get out of this is to look forward. of course i relate to the husband/wife dynamic. hubs has had to pull me out of my depression any number of times now and i do the same for him.

i keep trying to imagine that moment when Orpheus, so relieved that he's made it back to the upperworld, glances back at his wife only to see that her feet are still on the other side. the anguish in that. i imagine getting another bfp will evoke similar feelings in me. elation followed by dread.

i will never see those two lines and say "we made it out of this." but unlike Orpheus i will keep my gaze focused forward and look to the future. otherwise my babies will keep vanishing.

the only way i'm going to make it out of this is if i can manage to lead my babies into this world without anxiously looking back at them constantly. i need to trust that they are following me and i need to trust that they will make it to this side soon.

my favorite part of that Rilke poem i posted yesterday has to be this line : "What locks itself in sameness has congealed. Is it safer to be gray and numb? What turns hard becomes rigid and is easily shattered." because it reminds me that i've been going about this all wrong; by making myself numb (not hoping and perpetuating pessimism so i won't be disappointed) i've become rigid and that is what makes me prone to shatter. i need to be the change. i need to pour myself out and flow like water.

time to focus my eyes to the future and lead us out of this dark place.