"signs"

As infertiles we are always looking for signs. fortune cookies, milestones, serendipidous due dates, we're always looking for a guidepost, an indicator that this is it. this month it will happen.

"my due date would be DH's birthday!"
"it's the anniversary of my grandmother's passing!"
"i found a halloween onsies in the bargin bin at target in february!"
"my horoscope says prepare for changes in your family life!"

no one outside of our infertile support group can fathom why or how we get hope from these tenuous "signs." it sounds insane on the outside, but it's all we have. thus when your friend sends you a message saying, "this month would be too perfect! we'll be at a family reunion the first day of my second trimester, the baby would be due on my late mother's birthday, AND my horoscope this morning said "you will get a long-awaited surprise!" the only thing you can respond is, "OMG that's PERFECT, you're so getting pregnant this month!"

and what's worse, you're honestly shocked when it doesn't happen. because everything was soooo perfect.

and what's more, it's embarassing when it doesn't work. how could you possibly think that any of that meant anything?! how idiotic of you. delete delete delete. then repeat repeat repeat. every month. ad nauseum. but this month is different! "DH got a promotion, my mom found my old baby book, my sister friend's wife got pregnant when she..." sigh

yesterday i was browsing baby gear online and saw an advertising for monogramming. there was blanket with 12/12/11 monogrammed on it. that would be my due date if we got pregnant this month. is that a sign?

of course, this is the one month we are kind of indifferent. my birthday is on xmas and i've always hated it. i really didn't want a december baby. is that a sign? will we be sighing and saying that when we tell people, as if our infertility never existed. as if our biggest worry all along was what month the baby would be due. riiiiggghhht...

so, here we are again folks. same game, different name. "but there was a super moon! the vernal equinox! i had 3 positive opks! my cervical fluid was amazing! we BD constantly!" it has to be different right?

and to totally discredit myself as a rational thinking woman, i'll say it feels different. something feels different.

we're hopeful?

how weird is that? my husband and i, beaten down infertiles that we are, have this weird hopeful feeling. i don't care, i'm not even embarassed of it. maybe it's because the last time we made an appointment with an RE we got our BFP the day after our consultation (my eggs, like me, are procrastinators). maybe the acupuncture is working and my anxiety levels are way down. maybe it's that a few long-time infertile blogs i follow got their bfp last month... i don't know what it is, but i feel like our baby is close. i dream about him. i can almost feel him in my arms. there is some weird over the shoulder feeling like we'll be out of this soon. i want so badly to just believe, but my pessimism keeps slamming doors and breathing down my neck. it's ridiculous really, after 2 years? after our losses? why do i feel so hopeful all the sudden? is it the support groups? the burgeoning spring?

here's my horoscope from yesterday:
Capricorn Mar 23 2011
There may be an odd yet endearingly quirky aspect to your day today, Capricorn. You may feel as though you are wandering about in a dreamy state, with unexplained expectations for some kind of very happy outcome. That's because your intuition is telling you that something quite wonderful is soon to occur. You can count on receiving a uplifting message, or a happy ending to a sought-after goal. Just be sure to keep your feet planted in reality so that when you manifest that moment you have the wherewithal to enjoy it.

my husband and i laughed when we read it. "oooooh no, not you again." we said. "you can't fool us this time!"

but here we are. 3DPO and uplifted.
come soon baby.