Thursday, March 24, 2011


As infertiles we are always looking for signs. fortune cookies, milestones, serendipidous due dates, we're always looking for a guidepost, an indicator that this is it. this month it will happen.

"my due date would be DH's birthday!"
"it's the anniversary of my grandmother's passing!"
"i found a halloween onsies in the bargin bin at target in february!"
"my horoscope says prepare for changes in your family life!"

no one outside of our infertile support group can fathom why or how we get hope from these tenuous "signs." it sounds insane on the outside, but it's all we have. thus when your friend sends you a message saying, "this month would be too perfect! we'll be at a family reunion the first day of my second trimester, the baby would be due on my late mother's birthday, AND my horoscope this morning said "you will get a long-awaited surprise!" the only thing you can respond is, "OMG that's PERFECT, you're so getting pregnant this month!"

and what's worse, you're honestly shocked when it doesn't happen. because everything was soooo perfect.

and what's more, it's embarassing when it doesn't work. how could you possibly think that any of that meant anything?! how idiotic of you. delete delete delete. then repeat repeat repeat. every month. ad nauseum. but this month is different! "DH got a promotion, my mom found my old baby book, my sister friend's wife got pregnant when she..." sigh

yesterday i was browsing baby gear online and saw an advertising for monogramming. there was blanket with 12/12/11 monogrammed on it. that would be my due date if we got pregnant this month. is that a sign?

of course, this is the one month we are kind of indifferent. my birthday is on xmas and i've always hated it. i really didn't want a december baby. is that a sign? will we be sighing and saying that when we tell people, as if our infertility never existed. as if our biggest worry all along was what month the baby would be due. riiiiggghhht...

so, here we are again folks. same game, different name. "but there was a super moon! the vernal equinox! i had 3 positive opks! my cervical fluid was amazing! we BD constantly!" it has to be different right?

and to totally discredit myself as a rational thinking woman, i'll say it feels different. something feels different.

we're hopeful?

how weird is that? my husband and i, beaten down infertiles that we are, have this weird hopeful feeling. i don't care, i'm not even embarassed of it. maybe it's because the last time we made an appointment with an RE we got our BFP the day after our consultation (my eggs, like me, are procrastinators). maybe the acupuncture is working and my anxiety levels are way down. maybe it's that a few long-time infertile blogs i follow got their bfp last month... i don't know what it is, but i feel like our baby is close. i dream about him. i can almost feel him in my arms. there is some weird over the shoulder feeling like we'll be out of this soon. i want so badly to just believe, but my pessimism keeps slamming doors and breathing down my neck. it's ridiculous really, after 2 years? after our losses? why do i feel so hopeful all the sudden? is it the support groups? the burgeoning spring?

here's my horoscope from yesterday:
Capricorn Mar 23 2011
There may be an odd yet endearingly quirky aspect to your day today, Capricorn. You may feel as though you are wandering about in a dreamy state, with unexplained expectations for some kind of very happy outcome. That's because your intuition is telling you that something quite wonderful is soon to occur. You can count on receiving a uplifting message, or a happy ending to a sought-after goal. Just be sure to keep your feet planted in reality so that when you manifest that moment you have the wherewithal to enjoy it.

my husband and i laughed when we read it. "oooooh no, not you again." we said. "you can't fool us this time!"

but here we are. 3DPO and uplifted.
come soon baby.


  1. great post! i can totally relate. stay positive, though. hope is not a bad thing, because it's what keeps us going on this journey.

  2. Hope is the only thing that keeps me going. Stay hopeful and share the love. :)

  3. I want to hug you. And I'm so hopeful for you.

    And I know exactly what you mean about signs. I feel every little thing my body does and I think "is there...?" My horoscope 2 weeks ago said that something like something I'd been looking for would manifest around my birthday - which is about when a pregnancy would come to light this time 'round for me. It's torture.

    The thing I love best about you and the other women I've met via ICLW is that you guys write what I'm thinking but scared to write because I'm afraid everyone will think i'm crazy. I'm not crazy. Well, if I am, I'm in good company. :)

  4. Oh, the signs. They are so plentiful and so deceiving. I hope your hopeful feeling is some sort of woman's intuition.

  5. I hope the two week wait goes quickly! I'm so glad you made this post, I thought I was the only crazy infertile who was doing this to themselves every single month. I'm glad to see I'm not alone in finding signs everywhere I go, then getting disappointed wondering "But why, EVERYTHING was perfect?!?" I hope you get your bfp soon, you deserve it=)

  6. This is SO spot on. It's not just an IF thing I'm sure...but we're probably the best at noticing them...even the extra, subtle, obscure ones ;)

    All the signs are pointing one way for you...BFP! And I really really hope they're right!

  7. New to your post and I loved what you had to say. I don't know how we do it, but every month we manage to scrape back together the shattered pieces of our hope and knit them together with some cockamamie "sign" that no one else can see. But, one day all of the signs we see will be correct and viola! We shall have our precious babies! I wish you the very best and hope this is your month!

  8. Thank you for a wonderful post. It made me feel less insane because I find myself doing the exact same thing duirng the 2ww each month! I had our first consultation with an RE last week on the day my period was due. I was hoping that I would get my BFP just because I made the appointment, but I had no such luck.

    Good luck with this 2ww!