so one of my besties was visiting from boston this weekend. it was good to see her, but there were a few glitches i didn't anticipate. 1: the last time we saw each other i was telling her she had to go stay with another friend because i just found out my 11 week old fetus was measuring 7 weeks (yeah, definitely no more ultrasounds when i have a friend in town). 2: my very first chemical pregnancy, before i even knew what a chemical pregnancy was, was due on march 17th 2010. so basically i should have a 1 year old right now. 3: my friend is going through a brutal breakup (5 year relationship) and so is very moody and self-involved and wanting a lot of babying and sympathy. which is fine, except that i really have nothing to give.
i feel stupid even saying "chemical pregnancy." like it's a sham or something. we never argued over names or booked a prenatal apoointment or tried on maternity clothes. i never really got used to the idea. just about the only thing i got from it was the complete inability to trust home pregnancy tests ever again. but a few days before i got the bfp i was in Carsons at the mall and saw a little shamrock outfit on super sale. since it was july i took it as a definite sign that i was pregnant with a little shamrock. i bought it and tested positive a few days later. then i got my period a few days after that. i know it sounds ridiculous, but it's really tripping me up that i could have a walking talking child right now. toddling around and babbling in the other room...
anyway, back to my friend. she got in on wednesday the 16th and right off the bat the change was obvious. for starters she dyed her brown hair platinum blonde. wow. right away she started talking about where we could go to get drunk.
you should know i'm not much of a drinker anymore. i know it helps some people with depression, but not me. i come from a long line of alcoholics and i pretty much stay away from it except for the occational glass of wine when i'm feeling bad. i know how much of a slippery slope it could be.
anyway, we went out to a bar and she started eyeing this guy sitting alone. turns out he was waiting for his wife. then she starts chatting up the bartender. turns out he was gay. i then realized that the weekend's objective was to stay intoxicated and get laid a bunch. oy...
here's the weird thing though- as hard as it was to deal with her obliviousness and try to keep up with her, it ended up being a great weekend for me. not so much for her, since she never ended up having sex (despite following a dude home and sleeping on his couch) but i found something i hadn't seen in a while. my own sexuality.
before i get into it, you should know i'm not "hot" by any conventional standards. i'm overweight and i have this ridiculous ruddy hair, but i've always been confident. and funny. and therefore i've never had a problem finding boyfriends. i mean i got married at 24, so it's not like i had much time to get spinstery, but it seems like heavy women are always bemoaning that men are so superficial and i've never really had that problem. then again, i was off the market at 22, so take of that what you will.
the first thing to go, as any infertile will tell you, is your sex life. it takes a real nosedive. you began to see yourself a "less female" and then you start wondering what is wrong with you? and you feel past your prime and frumpy and the meds make you gain weight and give you acne... when you have a miscarriage your body confidence is really shot to shit. i mean really. your body has failed you in so many ways, and then in the most fundamental way. you sort of stop feeling like a woman.
this is especially hard for a woman like me. very into hair and nails and clothes and lingerie, very girly and sexual me. i lost myself. i flushed it down the toilet right with my pregnancy.
i honestly can't tell you the last time i felt sexual. don't get me wrong, my husband and i have been really good about having non-procreative sex, but i no longer feel desirable. i haven't gotten a haircut since i was eight weeks pregnant in october and told my stylist to cancel the colour, i was knocked up. i know i need to find a new salon, but what's the point? i feel frumpy, so it should show, right? i bought one new dress this winter and i wore it twice. i can't remember the last time i got my nails done. i can't even remember the last time i went to a dentist. seriously.
so this weekend, my friend dragged me in and out of bars all over the city. and i had to dress up for them. and you know what? men flirted with me. bought me drinks (it helps to have red hair on st. patty's day). they asked me for my number and made small talk. one guy even said i was a "goddess" (he was very intoxicated and at least 40). it was so good for me. every day i got better and better about getting ready and dressing up and just taking care of myself; i got better and better at feeling desirable. it was pretty miraculous. i know it sounds small, but i can't remember the last time i felt sexy.
of course i channeled all this into my marriage and my sex life with my husband. it was pretty amazing. there was this big perfect supermoon, and the spring equinox, and there was me: a fertile "goddess".
it was the best ovulation i've had since the miscarriage. we had sex every night, and 3(!!) times in a row on sunday. i wasn't even thinking about making a baby.
we may not get pregnant, but it's good to feel female again.