Friday, March 4, 2011


got my beta back already and it's negative. i'm so bummed. i guess i have to start looking for another RE, which is so depressing. it sucks to have to start over after going through all this. its even harder to do it because i know i can get pregnant on my own and i know that i ovulate on my own. i don't understand why it's not happening for us. my husband has this amazing sperm and i have decent enough eggs that pop out like clockwork. what's going wrong?

i feel like i shouldn't need help, it's so hard to go through all this knowing that i can and have done it on my own. i feel like i'm forcing nature or something. i feel like i'm being punished for wanting it so bad.

i keep wondering why i had to get pregnant at all last fall. why we had to see the heartbeat. why it had to last as long as it did. we were so hopeful once we made it past 6 weeks. it was farther than we'd ever gone. we saw the heartbeat! what was the point of all that? i mean, if we were just going to lose it anyway? now not only do i have my infertility but i also have to mourn our child too.

it's like the hits just keep on coming...


  1. I'm so sorry hon. I completely understand. (lost our first baby in July) As much as I dearly love the baby we lost, I just don't understand why it was necessary for us to have to go through that. I think the emotions you are experiencing are completely normal as I still have those thoughts from time to time. Hang in there dear. The beauty of this is that there is always hope for next month. xoxo

  2. I'm so sorry sweetie. I can't imagine the pain of a miscarriage, especially after hearing the heartbeat and feeling so secure that the little bean was there to stay.

    This isn't your fault, and you aren't being punished. I feel that way too sometimes, and I have to force myself to remember that I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this.

    It's going to happen for you, I really believe that. Good luck with the new RE, and here's hoping they will sweep you and your husband off your feet :)