so after my total depression fit yesterday i realized that more than anything else weekends are whats killing me. during the week i have work and a schedule and bunch of stuff going on and people to talk to. then friday night comes and i get all unhinged again. i remember going out with my friends and shopping and phone calls and texts; weekends used to be this flurry of activity- we'd just go go go! trying to cram everything in. now they just fall flat like a brick. i have no one but hubs to talk to and nothing to do, nowhere to go. without a schedule and routine i forget to eat, i don't shower, i get depressed and lonely... i feel sorry for myself. maybe i'll look into taking a class or something or trying to pick up some extra jobs. anything to keep me from feeling that bad. yesterday was just so hard.
also, we've started trying to be intimate again. it's hard to not put a "scene of the crime" type spin on it. the first few times weren't so bad, though i seemed to lose my orgasm just as it was coming on. then friday night something happened. i just couldn't finish. so i got on top and i was really working at it (so to speak) and hubs was trying to help. just as i felt like it was coming on, i lost it again. i was so worked up i just thought noooo! and then i cried out, "please! come back!" and for some reason saying that out loud nearly killed me. i started crying and then i started to feel like my chest was really hot. then i couldn't breathe. i started having an honest-to-god panic attack. i couldn't breathe. i couldn't get any air in. i was gulping and crying and panting and it started to feel like my head was getting swollen and i was so dizzy. it took me forever to calm down. hubs almost called 911. it was that bad.
i couldn't figure out why i got so upset. then it hit me in the middle of the night. i thought i was saying "come back" to my orgasm, but then i realized i was talking to the baby. i wasn't "making love" (blech, i hate that term too) i was trying to have another baby and that's why i wasn't able to finish. i was asking the baby to "come back" i was trying to "get the job done" and not be intimate with my husband like i should have been.
yesterday when hubs and i were talking i realized that this whole experience- the infertility, the dead baby- is like an atom bomb being dropped on our lives. there is no "going back to normal." the dust may clear, but now we're only beginning to see the rubble around us. nothing is where it used to be and we have to figure each other out all over again...