Tuesday, November 16, 2010

wading back in

i had this amazing dream last night. i was strapped into a carnival ride and it was soaring higher and higher, spinning. it reminded me of how i used to dream of flying a lot- the same dream but the details change- i would at some point realize that i could fly, all i had to do was get a running start and spread my arms. i would just kind of get carried up by the wind like a kite. the only problem was that i had no way to land, so the dream would always end with me high above ground and realizing i had no way to get down and so i'd start falling. i always woke up just as i crash landed. it took me a long time to figure out what it meant- i had to string together a bunch of different dream dictionary interpretations. anyway, the flying is the feeling of independance i had, i felt so free and able to go anywhere and then the falling represented how terrifying it was to have nothing holding me back. the freedom of being in your early twenties can be both exhilerating and scary. i don't have that dream anymore, but last night i dreamed i was on a carnival ride and i was tightly strapped in, so i felt safe, and it was amazing to be up high flying and looking down at all the landscape below. it was both similar and different to my flying dream. i'm still trying to puzzle it out.

how do people deal with their friends after a miscarriage? now that the dust is beginning to settle and we can clearly see the rubble around us, how do we go back to our old life? i feel like i don't even remotely resemble the person i used to be. i can't remember what i used to do. someone said to me, "well, if there's one good thing about this, it's that you can go out and drink your way through it." really? my baby died and i'm going to go out and get wasted? i still haven't had a drink since this whole thing started. i feel like i'm still treating myself like a pregnant woman. i don't know how to stop. i started thinking of myself as mother and i don't remember what i was before that...

i'm sure this is no picnic for my friends either. most of them are in their twenties too, only a few are in serious relationships. only one is also trying to have a baby. they just have no frame of reference for how painful this is. i know they're really trying, but no one has mentioned the baby or said "i'm sorry about the baby." and i get that it's a fine line, and many have said how sorry they are for me and how terrible this must be etc etc. but i just want them to acknowledge that we did have a baby. it existed. and it died. i'm trying really hard to not be so hard on them. i know this is a weird transition for them, but like i said to orion, i don't know when i'm going to be able to go out and be myself again. i don't want to do the things i used to do anymore, i want to be a mother. it's crazy, i know i fought it so hard, even after i was pregnant, but it's all i know how to do now. one of our friends just started going to an RE and is starting IVF this month, i was telling my other friend about it and she was like "really? they talked to you about trying to have a baby right after yours died?" but the thing was, it didn't seem insensitive at the time. my heart is hurting, but i want to have normal conversations with my friends, i want to know about their lives, i want them to get their baby no matter how much it hurts me or how jealous i'll feel. i still want to be a part of things.

i'm slowly dipping my toes back in. orion and i have started to go out again. at first it was plays and movies and things where we didn't have to interact, where we could just be observers. but sunday we went to dinner at our friends' house. and it was nice because they don't drink and everyone was pretty mellow, so we didn't have to be fun party social people. so we're getting back, we're dipping our toes in. i've started talking to my girlfriends more about normal things. i helped my little sister make pumpkin bars and my older sister write a resume.

maybe that's what the dream is about? moving on and feeling free but secure. letting myself get hopeful again, but without the fear of crashing... letting myself grow again

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