seriously. and I'm not even talking about the emotional ramifications- that goes without saying. it's so hard on your body too. i think my post-miscarriage ailments are worse than my pregnancy ailments were. i have total body muscle soreness. especially in my hips and back. and i'm just exahusted all over. i'm nauseous all the time. it's brutal. all i want to eat is carbs carbs carbs.
then there's the bleeding. ew. i keep hearing it's normal to bleed for up to a month. A SOLID MONTH. fuck. and of course you can't use tampons, so you're stuck wearing there ginormo dinosaur pads. ridiculous. plus we won't be able to have sex for at least 2 weeks, which may not sound like a lot but coupled with the 2 weeks we couldn't have sex because i was spotting, and the one week we couldn't have sex because i had a dead baby inside of me that's well over a month of abstinance.
plus there's religion. i'm not exactly religious. ok, i'm not religious at all. but i'm a big fan of comforting yourself in whatever form you choose. i guess i was always pretty blythly indifferent to religion, maybe even amused by it. not anymore. actually i find that more and more i hate religious people. i don't give a fuck about "god's plan" or "god's time" and i definitely don't think there's some dude in the sky with a big book micromanaging my uterus. there are 6 billion people in the world. plenty of starving, dirty, hut-dwelling rape victims procreate every single day. where's the planning in that? i find that hearing about "god's plan" is starting to fill me with rage. i understand that some people are comforted by that, by the idea that nothing is random and we all are part of some bigger holy picture, but not me. not at all. in fact, i am actually dis-comforted by that idea. if it's god's plan to take my baby away and let some crackhead whose husband beats her keep her baby, i think that's a pretty fucked up plan.
my mom told me on sunday that i was probably being plagued by demons because i'm doomed to hell. why am i doomed to hell, you might ask? well, i don't go to church regularly and that is a mortal sin. yep, me and all the vicious sociopath mass murderers are all in the same bin, it turns out. me and osama bin laden will be living it up in the fiery pits equally if i don't make restitution for sleeping in on sundays. really. is it any wonder i find organized religion funny?
i'm comforted by nature. in losing my baby, i'm more comforted by the idea of natural population control and my body's ability to determine a non-compatability with life abnormality. i'm comforted by the wisdom of the chain of mothers. is that god? orion says it is, that if i have faith in nature i have to have faith in god because he created nature. i'm not so sure. i believe in science and numbers and patterns and root systems. orion and i had a long talk about religion at chili's on sunday night. i know everyone thinks i put him up to this RCIA thing, but actually i actively discouraged it. the whole thing makes me a little uncomfortable. i understand why he wants to do it, and i support him but i don't want a bunch of hell mongering in our marriage.
the thing is, orion and i are very similar people. we're not really dogmatic about anything. we just allow for the possibility. neither one of us likes to close any doors. we like rituals and celebrations, we like joining in. i don't think orion really wants to be a catholic, per se. i think he wants to be a part of something bigger than himself. i think he wants to feel that community. which is why i'm catholic too, so i get it. we also like big gospel churches and unitarian meetings and quiet quaker reflection. i don't get the whole "god" part of it-- but i love to feel connected.