please let me have this. please let this be it.
yesterday i was emailing carissa in the morning about how she's feeling and when they're testing. i was surprised at how ok i am talking about all the infertility pregnancy stuff with her. they just did their first cycle of injectables and IUI. hopefully this is it for them. we emailed back and forth and i totally told her "ever since you sent me that shitty detatched reply to my pregnancy announcement i've been planning to do the same to you so you'd know how much it hurt. BUT now that you're going through it i'm just so excited for you i know that i won't be able to restrain myself if you do get a bfp. just letting you know my excitement for you far outweighs my desire for revenge :)" i thought it would kind of piss her off, but she sent me the sweetest reply talking about how she was so happy for me, but so devastated for herself that she started sobbing at work when she got that email. infertility takes away so much from you, the best thing we can do for each other is keep being honest and try and be understanding when the other one needs to detach.
then i got the opks in the mail that i ordered on amazon and they came with 25 free pregnancy tests. so i took one. and it was positive.
the worst thing about all this is not having anyone to go through it with. i mean, i have some great buddies on babycenter to rant with and who i know are rooting for me, but it would be great if my real life girlfriends would give a shit. after the chat with carissa, i was totally thinking- "i wish i could be my own friend..." i can't help but get excited for my friends when something good happens to them. i want someone to get excited for me back.
anyway, enough pity party. Gina the midwife called me back last night (love her!) she totally laughed at the whole situation and was really funny and nice. she ordered up a beta series so i can get a good gauge of whether or not my hcg is rising or just stagnanting from the miscarriage. so today i had to take the twins i nanny for and walk over to swedish covenant to get my blood drawn. so exhausting.
i have such a horrible cold and my head is pounding so hard it's hard to not see everything as a symptom. i've been so nauseous since the weekend and in looking over this blog i had what could have been implantation cramping the day before we left for KY...
GGGGAAAAHHHH! just chillax and wait for the results! don't get excited, you wacko!