Monday, November 22, 2010

invisible girl...

if someone would have asked me what the one thing i knew i'd never lose i would have emphatically answered: my friends.
i've had the same friends for most of my life. i have about a million aquaintances and people i get drinks with and chat with, but i've had the same four girlfriends my entire adult life. i don't trust people very easily and so although i'm comfortable hanging out with a bunch of different people, i would never ask anyone but my four besties for support. we've been through boyfriends and parental bullshit and marriages and all kinds of substance abuse drama. and we've always been there for each other. until now.
my primary best friend i've known since i was 6. she had a son when she was 15 and most of her other friends ditched out on her once she wasn't able to party anymore, but i felt so bad for her. we've been through so much together. i can't even list it all, it's a lifetime of friendship. when i found out on 10/30 that the baby was gone i immediately sent an email to my four best girls. and i never heard from her. not once. she texted a few times and left a message on the phone asking if i wanted to come over and watch tv and hang out. she never once mentioned the baby or my husband or what we must be going through. never once. not an "i'm so sorry" not a "what can i do" she never even tried to talk to me. i feel so heartbroken and betrayed. it's unreal to me. she finally emailed me about 2 weeks after everything went down. HERE is the conversation we had. she hasn't tried to talk to me since then. are my expectations too high? do i need to much? i understand that she doesn't know what it's like to have a miscarriage, but still i feel like i got the least amount of compassion from her and she's one of the few people that knew about the other chemical pregnancies and our infertility struggle. i don't know what our next move is...
my other best friend just starting going to an RE and is going through assisted reproductive technology. it's all she wants to talk about. i feel like i've been a good friend and discussed the issue ad nauseum, but she's never really said anything about my miscarriage either... i'm starting to feel like it's a little insensitive for her to talk constantly about having a baby after i just lost mine and never once acknowledge that. they've been trying to have a baby for about 5 years. i almost feel like she's glad i lost the baby so i wouldn't "beat her" to the finish line.
anyway, i know this is a lot of pointless drama and super boring considering you don't know me or these people, but i just feel like i needed to get this off my chest.
i feel so lost without my girlfriends and i just don't know what to do. i sent out an email last week touching base with everyone and no one even answered. it's like they can't cope with my sadness and so they're not even going to talk to me. i just feel like that's so fucked up.
i'm started to get really depressed. yesterday my husband suggested we start going to counseling. i just feel invisible most of the time. like a leper or something. i post a lot on this website Babycenter and even on there half the time no one even answers, or if i comment on someone else's thread i just get run over and completely ignored. i don't know what to do. i feel like no one wants to talk to someone who's going through this because they have no idea what to say and they're afraid to look stupid. i'm trying to not be dramatic, and understand their point of view, but i'm so lonely it's killing me. i just cry all the time.


  1. That stinks, Grace. Sometimes, people just pull away because they don't know what to say or do and they don't want to upset you. I hope that's the case here.

    With the friend seeing the RE, maybe she's afraid to talk to you about it because she's afraid it will happen to her. Like, she's worked hard to get there and she just doesn't want to think about what happened to you because, to a lot of people, talking about loss makes it so much more real and scary.

    BBC is SUCH a huge place. It can be really difficult to feel like you belong, especially if you're already going through an emotional time.

    Hang in there. You really are doing great so far, and it will get better. :)