so far so good

I realize I have been a lousy blogger. To write these horrible feelings about how scared we are and how i'm spotting and then to not even update. I am so grateful for all the messages and emails, i can't even tell you guys. that was so nice. the real reason i haven't updated is because i don't really have much to update. so far so good. i am not getting any more blood tests, my ultrasound isn't until next friday. so i'm just waiting.

i'm trying really hard to trust my body and be receptive to the clues it is passing my way. although my boobs are less sore, my nausea and exhaustion have multiplied by a thousand. although lots of people have given me some great tips to help with the nausea, i am oddly attached to it. a few days ago i woke up and felt pretty OK and then promptly got terrified that my symptoms were disappearing. so i just try and get through it, enjoy the misery because in some weird way it reminds me that everything is still working in there.

last week, when we were debating telling my family on easter hubs and I asked the universe for a sign that everything was going to be ok. shortly after that we noticed that one of the plants we potted on the spring solstice (which turned out to be the day of conception) (and even more embarassing, we put that weird "baby dust" confetti that comes when you order cheap pregnancy tests online into the soil while we were planting) was dying. Oh shit, we thought, there's our sign. But we took it down off the shelf and gave it a little water and put it in front of a window and within hours it was up and blooming.

hubs got baptized on easter (i neither instigated nor ridiculue his new conversion) and my mom got him this weird necklace that she found in an antique store. it's a whale tail charm. not really religious at all. everyone kept saying "why a whale tail?" and drawing inferences to Jonah. What they didn't know is that Jonah is the only name we ever agreed on for a boy. so we decided to take that as our sign that everything is ok in there and our son is coming.

I am still having some cramping and little bit of spotting. I was really upset and crying on last week because i was trying to get everything ready for easter and Hub's parents visit and I was so tired and i started having these really scary cramps and spotting. the most important thing, i think, is that i don't push myself and let myself be lazy right now. I'm not getting roped into any dramas right now and i'm not going to feel pressed to be "the fun one." I'm just going to relax and grow this baby. there is a ton of family drama going on right now and my grandmother is dying and Hub's grandfather just had a nasty fall and is sick. both of our familes seem to be doing a lot of bickering about the whole thing. we're just trying to stay out of it and keep calm.

my dreams have been insane lately. most of my them have been either really sexy or really weird. I do keep seeing a little chubby freckle faced girl following me around and that is really reassuring.

early on in my pregnancy I used to dream about a little boy and girl. at first i thought maybe they were the twins i nanny for, then i realized they were my own kids and got nervous it meant i was carrying twins, then i came to the realization that the girl was slightly older than the boy and perhaps the girl is the baby we lost and the boy is the baby i'm carrying right now. interesting...

last night though was the first time i saw blood in my dreams. i can barely remember what was happening, but at one point there was a bloody sac, like an oversized amneotic sac in a plastic bag in a closet, and then the next frame of the dream is my cradling a little sac and i tried to open it a little and saw a tiny baby so i stopped and knew i had to find a place to bury it.

it made me very afraid when i woke up and i called hubs crying. i'm trying to not see it as ominous though.
it kinda feels like i'm still working out my anxiety from my last pregnancy, and i'm trying to allow myself space to grieve for that baby especially as we get closer to her due date.

Lastly, i want to poitn you in the direction of an amazing blog i read this week. Katie, over at From IF to When wrote about trying to find a resolution in infertility. it was very eloquent and even reduced me to tears. She likens infertility to a cockroach infestation: you don't just kill one and know it's gone for good, there are hundreds hiding out in the walls. I won't try and dumb down her post anymore, but i strongly encourage you to read it HERE.