How can you be so sure something is going to work only to watch it unravel before your eyes?
There must be something horrible that I've done. There must be some awful fucking travesty that makes me deserve this. When I was in college I worked for an urban needle exchange. We passed out needles for intravenous drug use to addicts who brought in their dirty needles. A few times we'd get people who had open sores or collapsing veins and we'd have to help them find a good vein to shoot up. One time a very pregnant woman came onto the bus with an open sore on her abdomen. He veins in her arms were collapsed and she was shooting up into her pregnant belly. Instead of advising her to give up heroin (which could have been deadly for her fetus because of the horrific inutero detox) I had to show her how to inject heroin into her leg so she wouldn't continue to inject into her belly. I was young and idealistic. Scientifically it was safer for her, at that point, to continue to use rather than detox. I am haunted by this now that I've lost 3 babies and have been TTC for over two years. Am I being punished for that? For not caring about that baby? Am I being punished for being pro-choice? For not valuing in-utero lives?
Its clear that I didn't want to get a blood test because I didn't want the dream to end. And it
hasnt- YET. My hcg is not bad, 292 at 4w4d, although my ob said she would like it to be higher.
But once again my progesterone is so low it does not bode well for my pregnancy. Even my OB said she is surprised to see me pregnant with a p4 level of only 8.
So its crinone 8% suppositories twice a day until something happens. Or nothing happens. We just have to wait and see.
And pray or appeal or karmically atone. Or make peace.