Friday, April 8, 2011

progesterone / atonement

How can you be so sure something is going to work only to watch it unravel before your eyes?

There must be something horrible that I've done. There must be some awful fucking travesty that makes me deserve this. When I was in college I worked for an urban needle exchange. We passed out needles for intravenous drug use to addicts who brought in their dirty needles. A few times we'd get people who had open sores or collapsing veins and we'd have to help them find a good vein to shoot up. One time a very pregnant woman came onto the bus with an open sore on her abdomen. He veins in her arms were collapsed and she was shooting up into her pregnant belly. Instead of advising her to give up heroin (which could have been deadly for her fetus because of the horrific inutero detox) I had to show her how to inject heroin into her leg so she wouldn't continue to inject into her belly. I was young and idealistic. Scientifically it was safer for her, at that point, to continue to use rather than detox. I am haunted by this now that I've lost 3 babies and have been TTC for over two years. Am I being punished for that? For not caring about that baby? Am I being punished for being pro-choice? For not valuing in-utero lives?

Its clear that I didn't want to get a blood test because I didn't want the dream to end. And it
hasnt- YET. My hcg is not bad, 292 at 4w4d, although my ob said she would like it to be higher.

But once again my progesterone is so low it does not bode well for my pregnancy. Even my OB said she is surprised to see me pregnant with a p4 level of only 8.

So its crinone 8% suppositories twice a day until something happens. Or nothing happens. We just have to wait and see.

And pray or appeal or karmically atone. Or make peace.

7 comments:

  1. I'm thinking of you and hoping those numbers go up up up. Would PIO injections be stronger? I don't know much about the crinone.

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  2. Praying for you hon. XOXO

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  3. (((hugs))) I'm keeping you in my thoughts and hoping the shots do their job.

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  4. You are NOT being punished for that. Yes, my liberal card is showing, but I see nothing *wrong* with the IV drug program. Ideal? Fuck no. (Can I say fuck on your blog?) But real? Fuck yes. (Well, I just did it again) Or maybe it's not just my liberal showing. Maybe it's also my career with felons. You can't tell others to "just quit doing heroin."

    Anyway, all of that aside - NO, you did not bring this on yourself. Repeat as necessary, PLEASE. And if you need rationale, if that heroin addict didn't bring it on herself, how did you bring it on yourself? And 292 at 4w4d, which is 18dpo in a "textbook" or "assumed" cycle, is fine. It really is.

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  5. You are not being punished! You are in my thoughts and prayers.. hares to a sticky bean!

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  6. This isn't as a result of ANYTHING you've done. It breaks my heart to see you thinking that way. Please try to stay positive. You are in my prayers...

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  7. Oh I am so sorry you are in such a dark place. You are such a good person, could tell that the first time I met you! You did nothing wrong!

    I hope the crinone gets your progesterone levels up. I use it every cycle, starting the day after ovulation. Also, my dr told me that progesterone is made in 4 hour spurts and you might have got a reading right at the low point. I am pulling for you that everything is OK. Do you go in for a 48 hr beta follow up?

    Sending sticky baby dust.

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