survivor guilt

now what?

i've watched so many of my friends disappear onto the other side of infertility after their bfp. i find myself afraid of losing my friends now. i'm uncomfortable announcing that i got a bfp for 2 reasons: 1- i don't want to hurt anyone and 2- i don't want to lose anyone, especially because there's a decent chance i'll be back in a few weeks, only brokenhearted and looking for support.

a few weeks ago i wrote THIS blog about how anxious i'll feel when i get pregnant again. how it'll be a bit like freefalling. it's helpful to reread it and see how much i tried to prepare myself.

more than anything else i feel guilty. there are so many people who are on their 2nd IVF or have been trying for much longer than i was and i'm embarrassed to tell them we conceived. i feel guilty that we didn't need to go to an RE. one of my best friends on babycenter is going to stop trying when she turns 41 next month and i feel so awful that she may never get her baby that i don't even know what to say to her. so i said nothing. let my activity feed speak for itself and she'll see that i'm posting a lot on the pregnancy after loss boards and the december birth club. so cowardly. i can't believe it. how do you tell someone that you're pregnant without all the faux celebratory hoopla? how do you tell someone that you would gladly trade and give them this baby since it's their last month to conceive and you have years to keep at it, it's impossible to say that without sounding condescending. at least to me. but it's true, i would so gladly give her this pregnancy. it's her last shot. i have plenty of time. i wanted her to get this so badly.

how do i tell one of my best friend in real life who just had a miscarriage after years, almost a decade, of infertility? is it cowardly to wait months and then send her a heartfelt note when i can't possibly hide it anymore?

there's a part of me that's so excited and so thrilled and just buzzing inside. but there's another part of me that feels so guilty. because i know how it feels to see that blog update or get that email. a piercing duality of happiness and longing. you're so happy that it happened for them finally but so jealous and so sad it wasn't you. i have felt so guilty for my reactions to my friends pregnancies that's i've cried and cried over it. for them for me.

i want so badly for this to work out, but i also want so badly for it to work out for all of us. i feel guilty even writing this, like i should be telling you how much unmitigated joy i feel and it's everything i ever dreamed of. i don't want to be apprehensive. i want to go to my resolve meeting tomorrow night not to announce or discuss or get support for my pregnancy, but because those women are my friends and i care about them and i want to hear about how their treatment cycle went and what their next step is. because i want to be there to support them. because if i lose my infertile friends i will seriously be on my own here with no friends at all. and that is terrifying.