meditations in an emergency

in a weird way, i'm feeling very calm. i went to acupuncture yesterday and told the guy, "screw my progesterone and my uterine bloodflow, i want you to focus on my anxiety." i know i'm not supposed to blame my losses on my anxiety, but i always do. so the acu guy stuck about a million needles in my head and face and i walked out feeling totally calm and subdued.

even when i opened the letter saying that my husband's tax refund was being forwarded to the department of education to chip away at his default students loans, i just kind of shrugged and said man that sucks. oh well. then my cousin (who shares a due date with my last pregnancy) called to ask me why i RSVPed "no" to her baby shower and i was very together and explained we had plans to go to a wedding (true story, but even if there wasn't a wedding i would have never gone to that shower). even when she got all snooty and said "i understand this is hard for you, but i really needed you to be there for me" i was able to remain relaxed and apologize. and politely hang up.

i would never have believed in acupuncture. never in a million years. but it has obviously saved my life. i'm not this even-tempered, calm girl i appear to be. it is well worth my $20 every week.

especially because i've been spotting for a solid week now. am i panicking? meh, i'm certainly not happy to see brown blood every time i wipe. but my beta is still rising and my doctor assures me that everyone spots on Crinone (the progesterone suppository) because it irritates the cervix. old me would be at the ER and demanding an ultrasound, but new me says, "what can they do at the ER for a six week pregnancy?" and lays down in bed. i haven't even moved up my ultrasound, i want to be at least 8 weeks and i'm not budging. so i have to wait to may 6th to see whats going on there. i hope the little bugger is hanging on. i hope with every fiber of my being that we'll see my little bee buzzing around in there.