Monday, April 4, 2011
I am paralyzed. Afraid that breathing will end this. In the past, I was on the phone with my ob as soon as the stick turned pink for bloodwork. Hcg count, p4, thyroid panel. I needed to know these things to make the pregnancy stick. Then last September everything looked good, I was on progesterone, we were playing defense! This time it would work! Only then it didn't. We did everything we could medically do to protect that pregnancy and it didn't work.
So now, to my total shock, I have the overwhelming urge to do nothing. No blood test, no ultrasound, no progesterone, nothing. Take my prenatals and go about my business. Stay as calm as I can and feign amnesia. I'm just a normal pregnant woman, nothing can go wrong.
After a discussion with my mom and my husband, they urged me to get at least my progesterone checked. Its an easy thing to fix. So I said I would get a thyroid panel and a p4.
This is so not like me. I'm pushy! Proactive! I always thought I'd get pregnant again and immediately go into a panic, but something weird has happened. I feel strangely calm. Lackadaisical even. Is it the acupuncture I've been getting for my anxiety? Can acupuncture really produce results like this? A total personality overhaul? I was going twice a week for the last 3 months. Its hard to believe it works this well.
Now, adding to my own "fear of acting" I have to grapple with our HMO. Who can I call for bloodwork? The new RE? The old RE? My midwife from my last pregnancy? My gyn? I'm drowning in doctors here and its like Russian roulette to try and figure out which one will be covered.
Well, after calling around this morning it turns out that none of them are. My HMO won't cover infertility treatment with an RE since we conceived in an unmedicated cycle. My midwife won't run that kind of bloodwork without discussing it with a specialist who deems it necessary (which my new RE won't because she hasn't started treating me yet). My old gyn won't see me for prenatal because I'm under the care of a midwife for prenatal.
Around and around and around we go. And no one will monitor this pregnancy and I don't have the energy to figure this puzzle out.
So I can't tell you what's going to happen, or what my beta was. I can't tell you anything except thank you. Thank you all so much for all the support you're showing me. I feel like you guys are holding me up right now and pushing me forward. I feel your strength and goodwill and its keeping me sane. So thank you all and please bear with me.