Wednesday, April 6, 2011
what, me worry?
Whenever we leave her house we're just emotionally drained and then we get in the car and just kind of get those nervous tension giggles. we love her and she's our friend, but sometimes it's so hard to hang out with her because we just want to shake her and say "what is your problem?!"
yesterday someone should have taken me by the shoulders and given me a good shake. i was all hormonal and weepy and tired and i totally dumped about something that was so stupid it's embarassing. of course i'm nervous about this next chapter in our lives, but i'm also confident that it will run smoothly.
the way i figure it, i spent the last month blogging about how sure i was that our baby was close, how i could feel him over my shoulder watching us and whispering in my ear. even I'm shocked that i was right. to be honest, at the time i thought i was comforting myself. but if he was such a strong presence that i could feel him before he was even conceived then how could this end badly? how could we possibly lose him?
with every other pregnancy i've ever had it seems like the minute the stick turned pink i went into hyper overdrive. it felt like i had a limited time to enjoy this and by god i was going to enjoy every single minute. now i suddenly feel like i have all the time in world... like i don't have to rush anything. and so now all the energy that i was putting into getting pregnant and staying pregnant is just hanging there like a numb limb. what can i worry about now? my friends? losing my infertile support network? whether or not these blueberries are organic? i need something to focus on, right?
so i've decided to work really hard at turning all that nervous hyperfocus into calm release. little by little i need to let go of that. I don't want to be like my friend, who always needs something negative in her life to focus on. I don't want to transfer that energy, i want to eliminate it entirely. and focus on the amazing gift i have inside of me right now.