tomorrow's the big day

Tomorrow's the big day.

This has been an extremely anxious week for me. We visited the inlaws last weekend and I let hubs spill the beans figuring it was better to tell them in person. And because hubs refuses to believe anything bad could happen; 4th time's a charm, right?

My symptoms, which were not that horrible to begin with, more like bad PMS to be honest, seemed to be vanishing. And then there were the bad dreams. Horrible dreams. All with a common thread- our baby dying.

I realize they could have been caused by anxiety, but last time I dreamt exactly how we ended up losing the baby. It was such an eerie premonition. Its hard to not wonder if the same thing is happening now. Especially as they get more graphic.

On Monday night I dreamt that we went to get our ultrasound and there was something wrong with the baby's heart. It was beating irregularly and then it started to slow down and then we watched it stop entirely. I woke up sobbing.

I was sure that was a bad sign. I made an acupuncture appointment and ended up telling him everything. Please help me, I said. I just want to not feel so anxious. He gave me a full face of needles and it did help a lot.

But what helped more was the onset of real, bonafide morning sickness. Complete with puking. My symptoms came back with a vengeance. I am exhausted and sick. All the time. And it has elated me. I am probably the only woman puking with a smile. Yes! I think! Yes! I'm pregnant! With morning sickness! It is amazing.

So tomorrow is the big day. The day we see our baby.

Please let him be healthy and moving. Please give him a big beating heart. Please let us keep him.