fear and hope and knowing

we walk a fine line, us infertiles; a constant balancing act between fear and hope. "I got a positive opk!" hope "but my husband is sick!" fear. "I'm pregnant!" hope "for the 4th time in 2 years..." fear. on the one hand, we want the life we've always imagined, the life that everyone else seems to get. but on the other hand, as we've learned in the years of disappointment, wanting anything is scary. hoping for a resolution, one way or the other, is scary.

so we make deals with ourselves. we say, "I'm taking a break this cycle" so our expectations will go down (after all, you can't fail if you don't try right?). we say "I'm not going to get attached to this pregnancy" because in some small way we're trying to guard our battle weary hearts. we think, I've tried the gutless, reckless, hope beyond all measure. I've bought into the whole "positivity will bring positive changes" and in the end all I had was watching the man I'd walk through fire for unable to stop crying or get out bed. in end, we had to find some way to tape together the pieces of our shredded hearts. in the end, positivity had us making a hundred phone calls to tell everyone the baby was dead because we thought maybe if we told, maybe if we had more people pulling for us, it would work out.

so the next time you take the opposite approach. instead of hope you try fear. you try not to think about the possibility of being pregnant. you resist making plans or googling your due date or joining a 2WW club. you simply go about your business. you ignore the life inside of you, you take your vitamins and talk about Dancing with the Stars. read a good book. but in the end, you're not any more or less disappointed. and in fact you feel even more cheated. I never got enjoy that baby, or being pregnant.

I've vacillated. i've walked on both sides of this spectrum. i've greeted pregnancy with overwhelming joy and overwhelming fear and simple acceptance. and none of it ever works. disappointments are always disappointing.

this pregnancy may not work out. and there is nothing i can do at this point to save this baby. there is nothing i have done or have not done.

all i can do is keep taking my progesterone and my prenatal vitamins. get lots of sleep. stay calm. love my husband.

i've decided i'm not going to get any more blood tests. they don't tell me anything and there's no answer that i find reassuring. the baby is going to make it independant of me knowing what my hcg is or if my progesterone is rising or falling. i'm doing all i can right now. i'm not going to go in and get an ultrasound at 6 weeks because frankly i don't see the point. all that will do is tell me that the baby is alive at that moment. appehensions feed off of apprehensions. if i give in to my need to see that tiny beating heart once then every day after that i'm going to wonder if it's still beating. and eventually i'll break down and ask for another ultrasound. and the cycle will just keep repeating. i don't need that kind of reassurance. i need to trust my body and my tiny baby. i need to cling to my husband and find our way out of here.

i feel in my bones that this is my take home baby. that no amount of hope or fear will have any effect on his development. that he and i are going to grow together and in eight more months i'm going to reach between my legs and catch my baby, welcome him into this world and tell him, "i knew you'd get here eventually."