today was my due date

my dear baby,

today, in another world, you are being born.

your daddy is panicking and hollering at anyone who dares look at him, and i am walking the hallway trying to bring you into the world. everyone is excited to meet you.

your grandma and aunties are telling me to breathe and clasping my hands, your papue is on the phone with your uncles.

in the midst of all the pandemonium there is you and me, still joined together. you are strong and feisty, kicking away and pushing down inside of me. and i can't wait to hold you in my arms and give you a name.

when it happens, it's like the world pauses for a few minutes. like a collective inhalation. there is great pressure, and then release. in that world, you are born perfect.

our midwife says "reach down and catch your baby!" and i do. i hold you and you are beautiful and glowing in your altogetherness. your daddy cries and cries. he kisses me, he kisses you. and the three of us are a family today in this alternate world.

i know you would have been tall like me, with your daddy's eyes and smile. i know everyone would want to meet you and know you and hold you. i know these things because even in this world they are still true.

we miss you so much. it's a complicated grief that we navigate every day. sometimes it doesn't ache very badly and we're able to imagine what you would be doing and how our lives would be different. some days it feels like there is a big hole in the world, like a mistake was made, like everything around us is lacking and monotonous.

then there are times i feel like we are still connected. like when the lilacs bloomed this spring and i thought, "i always wanted to have a spring baby" and when the air became hot and fragrant it was like you were smelling it with me. like we were blooming together into something different and not of this world.

mostly i am so grateful for the time you were inside of me. for the time you spent on this earth and changed us. there are not many babies who are purposefully conceived and wanted for every single second of their existence. i am so grateful that every moment you were alive you knew what it was like to be loved and wanted. there was not a moment we doubted you and there is not a moment to this day that we have ever regretted you. even the loss of you.

today we're going to focus on that; our gratitude. even while we are sad that we can only hold you in that other world, we are so happy you chose us as your parents. We love you.