There's something I need to get off my chest and record for my own memory here.
Ever since I got pregnant I've been dreaming it was twins; dreaming of twin ultrasounds, being chased by two babies, it was like every time my subconscious dealt with this pregnancy it always illustrated two babies. At first we thought it was a sign there really were two babies, but after our ultrasound showed only one and I kept dreaming in twos I realized that the babies were not twins, in fact one was noticeably larger than the other. They were more like siblings than twins. My husband and I talked about it and came to the eerie conclusion that because I had not technically passed my last due date, my subconscious still considered me pregnant. It was like the other baby was still here emotionally, still waiting for us to emotionally come to terms with her "birth" or lack there of...
Yesterday was an incredibly difficult day for us. Made even more so by the assumption that being pregnant again would somehow "fix" everything. Even my IF friends kept saying things like "just focus on the baby inside of you" as if this baby negates that one.
I felt an incredible need to have the baby we could have had acknowledged. I wanted very badly to remind everyone and even tell strangers "there is someone missing today. Someone was supposed to be born and isn't." I just wanted her existance validated. It was very confusing and overwhelming. And very isolating. It stormed all day yesterday and we were constantly under one tornado wat h after another. So my husband and I couldn't even go out and do the personal things we had planned. So we just let the day quietly pass.
But today, tonight in fact, I felt a lifting. A lightening of my heart and even in my belly. I know we passed that baby months ago, but I was still carrying her. I can't explain it. Its very psychological and emotional and I can't put the feeling exactly to words.
But I just woke up from a dream; I was getting an ultrasound and the tech said, "do you want to know the sex?" And we said "you can see that already?" And she said "here, see for yourself, its a girl!" And handed us the sonogram picture.
It was the first time my subconscious let me see a singleton pregnancy. It was one baby now. And she was perfect.
(((hugs))) She will forever be a part of your heart and your lives, no matter what. I'm glad you are starting to heal more and more and that your dreams are allowing you heal more as well too.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you had to experience that loss. It doesn't matter how far along you are, it doesn't matter how long you have been trying. Those of us who have lost pregnancies understand to one extent or another. This is beautiful in a way though and I am glad you found some sense of peace with it. And like PP said, She will forever be apart of you and with you. Never forgotten :)
ReplyDeleteThere is no negating that baby you're missing. Having had too many losses myself, mostly a long time ago, but one in 2009 as well, I can say that a mama never forgets her baby... no matter how long they were with us.
ReplyDeleteI wish you the peace that came to me somewhere in the midst of the pregnancy with my son (my first baby I got to meet). One day while walking through a parking lot, I felt my first Braxton Hicks contraction. It was just like it was supposed to be, and I knew everything was going to be alright. And it was. And that day was one of the first most wonderful days of my life. May you have nothing less than the same.
I can so relate to you here. It's hard to let go. You are an amazing woman and I'm thinking about you often.
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