quick post

i want to warn you ahead of time i'm having a very emotional day and that is making me a little scatterbrained.

mothers day was this weekend. it was very bittersweet for me. i know hubs would have done something special for me either way, because whether or not my babies are here i am still a mother, but it felt weird to have my family be so happy for me. my mom bought me a stroller (!!??) and my sisters all got me cards. it was very sweet. i found myself really aching for our losses all day. i know we're very lucky to have this baby right now, but it's hard to not think about all it took to get here. i could have a 1 year old,  a four month old, or be due in two weeks. i could have been hugely pregnant.

the other thing that's kind of awkward is that i don't exactly identify with the fertiles yet. i don't feel like a mom. i feel scared and worn down and emotional. hubs wanted to announce "happy first mothers day to my wife!" on facebook and thankfully i was able to talk him out of it. not only are we only 9 nine weeks, but also i don't want to "come out" yet. i ended up posting this: "Some mothers never get to hold their children, some mothers give birth to children they know they will not raise, some mothers conceive children they will never meet and some mothers raise children they did not conceive. On this mother's day I honor every woman, those with children, those on the journey to motherhood, and those mourning the children they never got to hold."

i was also horribly sick for most of the weekend. the only thing worse than not being able to stop throwing up, is feeling great. honest. i'm not sure which i'd prefer. at least with the constant throwing up i have some sense of normalcy. on the rare day i feel fine i'm completely panic stricken.

a friend of mine is in the 2ww after an IUI and she called me on sunday morning freaking out. her doctor didn't refill her perscription for progesterone and she had none in her house. i offered her a box of endometrin i had leftover from my IUI (i'm on crinone now, so much less messy) and she sent her husband over to pick it up right away. it got me thinking, they should really assign you a buddy when you start ART. kind of like getting a sponsor when you start alcoholics annonymous. someone who's been in it a little longer and has a surplus of leftover drugs preferably. i think it would be really helpful for a lot of people.