what, me worry?

Hubs and I have this friend who is addicted to sympathy. No matter what you ask her or how well things are going for her, she has to tell you about the one thing that's going badly. even if it's not going badly, she'll make it sound like the worst event in human history.

Whenever we leave her house we're just emotionally drained and then we get in the car and just kind of get those nervous tension giggles. we love her and she's our friend, but sometimes it's so hard to hang out with her because we just want to shake her and say "what is your problem?!"

yesterday someone should have taken me by the shoulders and given me a good shake. i was all hormonal and weepy and tired and i totally dumped about something that was so stupid it's embarassing. of course i'm nervous about this next chapter in our lives, but i'm also confident that it will run smoothly.

the way i figure it, i spent the last month blogging about how sure i was that our baby was close, how i could feel him over my shoulder watching us and whispering in my ear. even I'm shocked that i was right. to be honest, at the time i thought i was comforting myself. but if he was such a strong presence that i could feel him before he was even conceived then how could this end badly? how could we possibly lose him?

with every other pregnancy i've ever had it seems like the minute the stick turned pink i went into hyper overdrive. it felt like i had a limited time to enjoy this and by god i was going to enjoy every single minute. now i suddenly feel like i have all the time in world... like i don't have to rush anything. and so now all the energy that i was putting into getting pregnant and staying pregnant is just hanging there like a numb limb. what can i worry about now? my friends? losing my infertile support network? whether or not these blueberries are organic? i need something to focus on, right?

so i've decided to work really hard at turning all that nervous hyperfocus into calm release. little by little i need to let go of that. I don't want to be like my friend, who always needs something negative in her life to focus on. I don't want to transfer that energy, i want to eliminate it entirely. and focus on the amazing gift i have inside of me right now.

survivor guilt

now what?

i've watched so many of my friends disappear onto the other side of infertility after their bfp. i find myself afraid of losing my friends now. i'm uncomfortable announcing that i got a bfp for 2 reasons: 1- i don't want to hurt anyone and 2- i don't want to lose anyone, especially because there's a decent chance i'll be back in a few weeks, only brokenhearted and looking for support.

a few weeks ago i wrote THIS blog about how anxious i'll feel when i get pregnant again. how it'll be a bit like freefalling. it's helpful to reread it and see how much i tried to prepare myself.

more than anything else i feel guilty. there are so many people who are on their 2nd IVF or have been trying for much longer than i was and i'm embarrassed to tell them we conceived. i feel guilty that we didn't need to go to an RE. one of my best friends on babycenter is going to stop trying when she turns 41 next month and i feel so awful that she may never get her baby that i don't even know what to say to her. so i said nothing. let my activity feed speak for itself and she'll see that i'm posting a lot on the pregnancy after loss boards and the december birth club. so cowardly. i can't believe it. how do you tell someone that you're pregnant without all the faux celebratory hoopla? how do you tell someone that you would gladly trade and give them this baby since it's their last month to conceive and you have years to keep at it, it's impossible to say that without sounding condescending. at least to me. but it's true, i would so gladly give her this pregnancy. it's her last shot. i have plenty of time. i wanted her to get this so badly.

how do i tell one of my best friend in real life who just had a miscarriage after years, almost a decade, of infertility? is it cowardly to wait months and then send her a heartfelt note when i can't possibly hide it anymore?

there's a part of me that's so excited and so thrilled and just buzzing inside. but there's another part of me that feels so guilty. because i know how it feels to see that blog update or get that email. a piercing duality of happiness and longing. you're so happy that it happened for them finally but so jealous and so sad it wasn't you. i have felt so guilty for my reactions to my friends pregnancies that's i've cried and cried over it. for them for me.

i want so badly for this to work out, but i also want so badly for it to work out for all of us. i feel guilty even writing this, like i should be telling you how much unmitigated joy i feel and it's everything i ever dreamed of. i don't want to be apprehensive. i want to go to my resolve meeting tomorrow night not to announce or discuss or get support for my pregnancy, but because those women are my friends and i care about them and i want to hear about how their treatment cycle went and what their next step is. because i want to be there to support them. because if i lose my infertile friends i will seriously be on my own here with no friends at all. and that is terrifying.

stasis

The most amazingly wonderful thing has happened; we have conceived on our own. It's almost unbelievable considering that in January my evil RE told me I had diminished ovarian reserve and was hypothyroid and have low progesterone and would not get and stay pregnant without help. But I did. So what now?

I am paralyzed. Afraid that breathing will end this. In the past, I was on the phone with my ob as soon as the stick turned pink for bloodwork. Hcg count, p4, thyroid panel. I needed to know these things to make the pregnancy stick. Then last September everything looked good, I was on progesterone, we were playing defense! This time it would work! Only then it didn't. We did everything we could medically do to protect that pregnancy and it didn't work.

So now, to my total shock, I have the overwhelming urge to do nothing. No blood test, no ultrasound, no progesterone, nothing. Take my prenatals and go about my business. Stay as calm as I can and feign amnesia. I'm just a normal pregnant woman, nothing can go wrong.

After a discussion with my mom and my husband, they urged me to get at least my progesterone checked. Its an easy thing to fix. So I said I would get a thyroid panel and a p4.

This is so not like me. I'm pushy! Proactive! I always thought I'd get pregnant again and immediately go into a panic, but something weird has happened. I feel strangely calm. Lackadaisical even. Is it the acupuncture I've been getting for my anxiety? Can acupuncture really produce results like this? A total personality overhaul? I was going twice a week for the last 3 months. Its hard to believe it works this well.

Now, adding to my own "fear of acting" I have to grapple with our HMO. Who can I call for bloodwork? The new RE? The old RE? My midwife from my last pregnancy? My gyn? I'm drowning in doctors here and its like Russian roulette to try and figure out which one will be covered.

Well, after calling around this morning it turns out that none of them are. My HMO won't cover infertility treatment with an RE since we conceived in an unmedicated cycle. My midwife won't run that kind of bloodwork without discussing it with a specialist who deems it necessary (which my new RE won't because she hasn't started treating me yet). My old gyn won't see me for prenatal because I'm under the care of a midwife for prenatal.

Around and around and around we go. And no one will monitor this pregnancy and I don't have the energy to figure this puzzle out.

So I can't tell you what's going to happen, or what my beta was. I can't tell you anything except thank you. Thank you all so much for all the support you're showing me. I feel like you guys are holding me up right now and pushing me forward. I feel your strength and goodwill and its keeping me sane. So thank you all and please bear with me.

still checking my horoscope

...don't worry, I think its a good one.


Capricorn Apr 4 2011
Some people believe that heaven and hell are both here on earth. In your life now, Capricorn, you could aptly demonstrate this philosophy. If you were to draw a line on a piece of paper, and divide up the good things and the bad things in your life, you could get a tangible sense of how much you have to worry about, and also how much you have to be amazingly thankful for. A lot is happening in your life now. By glorifying all the wonder, joy, and good fortune that is manifesting for you, you can actually minimize and drain the power from some of the more negative things. Give it a try.
--
Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope.
Download it now -- http://bit.ly/DHmobile


Capricorn Apr 6 2011
Start planning now on telling yourself a sweet bedtime story before you go to sleep tonight. Make sure it's a happy tale; one that involves a new beginning, a bit of enchantment, and a happily ever after. You need to hear something sweet and inspiring now, and you need to open up your mind to the possibility of magic. The cold, cruel world may have rendered you a bit skeptical recently, so it would be wise to retreat to the open-minded, vulnerable world of childhood dreams and stories. Not just to restore your faith, but to prepare you for a beautiful fantasy that is about to unfold in your life.
--
Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope.
Download it now -- http://bit.ly/DHmobile

holy shit pt2

I am not going to jinx it. I am not going to jinx it. I am not going to jinx it. I am not going to jinx it. I am not going to jinx it I am not going to jinx it. I am not going to jinx it.

... double pink lines!!!!!!!

There you were, and it was like spring

(a poem by Mary Oliver)

There you were, and it was like spring--like the first fair water with the light on it, hitting the eyes. Why are we made the way we are made, that to love is to want? Well, you are gone now, and this morning I have walked out to the back shore, to the ocean which, even if we think we have measured it, has no final measure. Sometimes you can see the great whales there, breaching and playing. Sometimes the swans linger just long enough for us to be astonished. Then they lift their wings, they become again a part of the untouchable clouds.

holy shit

Its official, everyone in the world can get pregnant but us.
My mentally handicapped cousin just knocked up his borderline mentally handicapped girlfriend who already has a nine month old by someone else. I'm not being mean, they are both literally handicapped.

She has had no prenatal care, not a single prenatal vitamin, and spent the last three months "just hoping it would go away." Her baby of course is fine and healthy.

Holy canoli. There is no god.